I want To Hold Your Hand
by SkullBunnie
Summary: This was a nightmare I had after seeing the newest chapter 278. It has little to do with the chapter so I don't know where it came from. Basically it's future Kyouko and Kuon telling the story of how their love fell apart. It's pure depression fuel. Read at your own risk. The first chapter is pretty tame compare to what's coming.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I had a nightmare last night after seeing the raws of the newest chapter so I decided to type it all out, It was Ren and Kyouko but it wasn't happy at all. Just a fair warning this one has a heaviness over the entire thing that makes it impossible to enjoy the sex scenes. It starts out sad, it goes into what should be happy times but it's all sad. Again it was a dream and i just need it out of my head. A lot of ooc-ness going on and it's just sad. I'm going to write it as the dream happened so it goes back and forth some to future and and past. I hope someone enjoys. I am going to go cry before typing the net chapter. **

There once was a young woman who had it all. Fortune, fame, talent, and the most perfect family she could have ever wished for. Her in laws adorned her, and all her closest friends wanted a relationship like the one she had with her heavenly husband. He was sweet and romantic with the most handsome face and strong arms she could feel safe in. Most of all he loved her more than anything in the world.

He loved me and I loved him so how could everything go so wrong?

"Kuon, take the baby please, I need to go get some things from the store." The baby is mine. Her name is Ren. Little Ren, as my husband named her after himself. To be more accurate he gave her his former stage name. I guess that was so he could more easily pretend that she is his. He takes her from his mother now and I seethed with jealousy as he holds her close and affectionately kisses her nose.

"Are you planning on getting up anytime soon?" Kuu, my husband's father asks me and tries to take my giant quilt from me. It's been overused and needs to be washed but I can't bear to part with it. Kuon gave it to me on our first honeymoon. Custom made with all our favorite quotes and fairytale characters. I tug the blanket back hearing it tear slightly. "Your baby is hungry."

"Don't bother, dad, she doesn't care." Kuon snarls bitterly before he returns his attention to Ren and coos at her about how much he loves her.

My thoughts bitterly scream that I used to be her. It was me in his arms receiving adoration. I had everything I never dreamed could be mine. He loved me and I loved him. Why wasn't that enough? I used to think that I could handle anything with Kuon by my side. Life had taken my belief as a challenge and whittled away at our love until there was nothing left.

I wish we could go back to when our love was fresh and new. Before I knew his name. Before he made, he made a name for himself in America. Before I became Japan's top star. I want to go back to the time when my face wasn't on every billboard and nobody knew I existed. Except him. He always said he knew I would be a star. He named me gravity and told me he had no choice but to bend to my will. I want to go to that moment in the elevator. Back when I was innocent and good, and he was this perfect being I worshipped as my acting god.

"I love you, Mogami-san." I had stared up at him for the longest time unable to comprehend his words. How could this gorgeous man say such words to me?

"I…" I didn't know what to say to him, so I shut my mouth and looked down. There was no way I had heard him correctly.

"It's alright if you don't feel the same way. I just needed you to know." He looked like he meant to say more but the elevator doors opened then.

Tsuruga-san moved out of my way giving me the option to flee. I contemplated running; shoving my way passed the people loading themselves onto the elevator and never looking back and Tsuruga Ren again. My moment of escape passed, and I took a step back to allow more room for the people who had no clue how chaotic my brain was at that moment. My hand brushed his, but I did not pull away. His fingers tapped my palm and I took them twining our fingers together and inching ever so slightly closer to him.

That was it for us; I became his and he mine. We spent most of our free time together at his place. I took my time warming up to being in a relationship and he was the perfect patient gentleman. It was simple and sweet and everything I had ever wanted. I wish I could have it all back.

**A/N: I hate this fic.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: since some people are reading this I'm trying not to make it confusing even though dreams often are. This is still in the past. I'll start labeling the chapters with past or future and if it's Kyouko or Kuon narrating.**

**Kyouko: Past**

Tsuruga Ren had a way of getting what he wanted by making me think it was what I wanted. We had dated for months before I let him give me more than a peck on the cheek. I was well over eighteen the first time we had sex but if I'm honest I wasn't really ready. It wasn't really his fault though, his kisses always left me wanting him to touch me. Every night before we would leave for the Darumaya he would lean in slowly taking my face in his hands. His lips were soft against mine. Gently he would pull my chin down opening my mouth for his tongue to enter. He was careful with me. Always slow and gentle. When I would moan and lean into him, he pulled away but always placed a chaste kiss on my lips then my nose and then my forehead.

"Let's get you home." He said and helped me into my coat.

One night I pulled his lips back to mine. He stumbled into my clumsy kiss nearly falling on top of me on the couch. With a wry smile playing on his lips he smoothed his hands down my back and lifted me into his lap. It felt so good I thought I might cry. Ren was an amazing kisser but more importantly he hadn't pushed me away. I had been so afraid that he'd be disgusted by my boldness and end our kiss, but he held me close and eased me into the deeper kiss that I had been hoping for. We explored each other's mouths for what felt like hours. His hands never travelled anywhere inappropriate and when I pulled away, he caught my chin to place a gentle chaste kiss on my lips, then my nose, and then my forehead. I blushed furiously burying my face against his chest. Ren never failed to be sweet.

"It's getting late." He stated still holding me.

My body was shaking from his proximity. I wondered if he could feel the aching need for more or if it was just me. Was it my inexperience that had me needing more of his touch, or was it all some trick? I felt half crazed with the unfamiliar lust he evoked from me.

"Can I stay the night?" I asked. All I wanted was to feel his touch. We could have staid on the couch all night just like that and I would have been content. Sex hadn't really been on my mind. We had only been dating for a few months and I really had no clue why my body had built up that insane need.

"Of course, you can stay, princess." He had said as he set me down on the couch. "I'll make up the guest room for you." And so, he did. He even came in to say goodnight after we were both showered and ready for bed. This wasn't the first time I had spent the night but it was the first night my mind had come to the conclusion that I needed more from our relationship physically.

"Ren?" I called to him and patted the bed beside me. "Can we sit and talk for a bit?"

"Only for a little while. Someone has a casting call at six in the morning." He said poking my forehead. He sat on the bed but not beside me. He was facing me and keeping a careful distance between us. I took his hand in mine and tugged him closer. With a chuckle he let himself fall forward and laid his head on my chest.

"Your heart is beating so fast, my love. Are you nervous?" I nodded to his question even though I knew he meant about the casting call, but my nerves were on edge because it was the first time he had touched my chest. "Everything will be alright. My princess has more talent in her little pinky than any of those other actresses have in their entire bodies."

"Don't mention pinkies to me." I joked to distract myself from his perfect face being so intimately close.

"Sorry." Ren laughed taking my hand and biting my pinky. My thighs clenched at the feel of his tongue grazing over my skin but then he let go of my hand. "You'll do fine tomorrow." He cupped my cheek and leaned in to plant a sweet kiss on my lips.

"You'll still be mine even if I fail?" I asked disappointed when he didn't invade my mouth with his tongue.

"Always." Ren said kissing my forehead. "But you're not going to fail. You'll go and give it your all and learn from the experience whether you get the role or not. Just like you always do."

His hands pressed me down and for a moment I got my hopes up. Maybe he would take me without my having to ask. I wouldn't need to be the one to clumsily advance our relationship. He kissed my cheek.

"Get some sleep love."

Frustrated I let him leave me alone in his guestroom. I was young and inexperienced, and I should have been grateful that he was being so patient and good to me. Instead I sulked and argued with him in the morning. Not knowing what he had done, Ren apologized profusely. He was really too good to me.

"Kyouko?" The moment we were alone in his apartment he approached me with open arms. "Please whatever I did or didn't do I'm sorry."

I bit my lip at the sight of his puppy dog eyes. I didn't know how to explain to him my frustrations. He was too good looking and too damn good at kissing. I wanted to know what it would feel like if he kissed me all over. Throwing caution to the wind I jumped into his arms and kissed him. It was his turn to moan and lean into my kiss. My tongue probed his mouth just as his had done to mine. I had studied his movements and learned how to kiss him senseless.

"Kyouko." He tried to pull away, but I needed more.

My sunk into his hair and I used all my strength to hold his mouth to mine. Every moan that passed between us gave me chills. His hands gripped my thighs holding me up as he walked us to his bedroom. I thought that he had finally gotten the hint. The bed felt like a cloud beneath me when he laid me down. Our lips never separated but he pried my hands from his hair and held them to his chest between us. He slowed our kiss down and turn us, so we were laying on our sides. His kissing became slow and somehow calming. I didn't want that. I tried to pull my hands away from his, but he held them tight. With a sweet smile he ended our kiss. Embarrassingly I whined and opened my eyes to glare at him.

"Princess, this is a very dangerous situation we have found ourselves in." He said taking both of my hands into one of his so he could bring his other hand up to caress my face. "Did I seduce you? I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to bring this out of you so soon."

Rejection never hurt so much. The tears were instant, and I didn't know if I felt more foolish for thinking he'd want me or ashamed for my wanton behavior.

"No, don't cry. Oh, baby." His hands took my face and he kissed my tear streaked cheeks.

"You don't want me?" I asked between sobs. I was so very young and stupid.

"No! No don't think that. Don't ever think that." Ren soothed still kissing my face. "I want you. It's just that there is something I want you to know first. I need to tell you before I can allow you to give me anymore of yourself than you already have."

Blinking back the tears I tried looking into his warm brown eyes. "What?"

"My name, love. I need you to know my name."

**A/N: I need to go work on Shameless for a bit because somehow that is more happy than this fic. I have the dream highlights typed up I just need to flesh it out to make each scene feel more complete. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Future: Kuon**

Sometimes I sit and watch little Ren and imagine that she looks like me. I know that is impossible, but it soothes my soul to think of her as mine. She is mine and I am hers. No matter what happens between Kyouko and I that won't change. I'm all this little girl has. It isn't her fault her real father will never be allowed near her. I won't let that vile worm near either of my girls ever again.

"Kuon?" My mother beckons me out of my trance from watching the sleeping child.

"Yes?"

"Your father and I were thinking." Fuck here we go again. She smooths my hair back. "We think it might be time to do something about Kyouko."

"I'm not getting a divorce mother." I say flatly. My wife stirs on the couch, but she doesn't acknowledge us talking about her. "She's mine."

"But sweetheart, she doesn't want her own baby. There's something wrong with her." My parents tried to understand the situation. They were even proud of Kyouko for keeping up with her weekly visits to the doctors but the longer she went without any progress the less understanding they were. In their eyes, she wasn't trying to get better.

"Mother," I say sternly and stand up. "Kyouko is mine. I don't want to discuss this any further."

My parents were a big help throughout the pregnancy. Our whole marriage really, they had always been there to help us navigate married life. When Kyouko stopped eating halfway through the pregnancy they came to live with us and help take care of her. She hates herself too much to take care of herself, but she told me that she loved me too much to kill herself. Sometimes she would say she didn't want to leave me with the mess to clean up other times she believes me when I say I would miss her.

"Besides she has nowhere else to go." I'm all that broken little girl has too and that is my fault. I walked over to Kyouko and kiss her head. Sometimes I forget to be gentle with her but whenever one of my parents suggests I leave her I make an extra effort to be kind. "Kyouko, love it's bath time. Come on."

I help her to her feet and take her to the bathroom. She no longer has the strength to fight me as I remove her clothes, though I know she hates to be naked especially in front of me. My eyes do not linger on the scars marring her once perfect body. I turn on the tub to fill and grab the shower head and soap. She stands still with fresh tears in her eyes as I clean her in the most mechanical way. We used to have so much passion. Every touch; every kiss; every sigh from her lips was heaven. Never had anything in my life felt as wonderful as making love to my Kyouko.

I would give anything to see her smile again. Hell, I'd die just to see her do things on her own again.

"The public has been asking where you are." I say trying to sound lighthearted. "They call me selfish and say I'm keeping you all to myself."

"Don't lie Kuon." She says drawing my eyes to her chapped lips. "The public, your parents, your friends, me, everyone is asking why you haven't thrown me out yet. No one can understand why you keep me around."

My jaw clenches and I go quiet. The truth is I don't know why we're still together. We both made mistakes, especially me. In fact, I would say most of this was my fault even if everyone wants to blame her. I reach out and caress the side of her face. If I could, I would turn back time and find a way to fix everything between us.

"I love you." I say finally as if that could make up for all our pain.

"How?"

I don't know but I can't tell her that. Instead of speaking I wipe the tears from her eyes and kiss her forehead.

"I just do princess." I say and I mean it. I really do still love her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Kuon:Past**

"Kuon." Kyouko stood at the foot of my bed prodding my toes with her fingers. "Kuon."

"What?" I sat up wondering if she was going to yell at me this time or start crying.

The moment I told her my real name and all the truths that came with it, our relationship changed. It was both worse than I had feared and better than anything I had ever hoped for. She was mad, furious even. She accused me of toying with her and yelled at me for being cruel. Then she started crying and mumbling about how she had always known. I wasn't allowed to touch her though she still came over and had me drive her back to Darumaya. Sometimes she would insist on staying over in the guest room and I would get my hopes up, but she'd continued to ignore me. I had lost track of the days and weeks of silent dinners and countless apologies. I don't think I could bring myself to say that I was sorry one more time. Either she had to forgive me or tell me to fuck off. At the same time, I felt I could go on like that forever just to keep her near.

"I think I've decided to forgive you." She whispered walking her fingers up my leg. A quick glance to my nightstand let me know that it was two in the morning. Somehow, I didn't feel irritated that she had decided to wake me up to tell me I was forgiven.

"Thank you." I said unable to keep the stupid grin off my face.

Slowly her hand slid up my thigh. I watched with masochistic fascination as she climbed into my bed and placed herself in my lap. Her lips claimed mine and I was more than happy to surrender to her. My hands glided up her back to sink into her hair. She took my chin in her hand and pulled my mouth open for her tongue to slide in and coil with mine. I bucked my hips and hissed feeling her warm center so very close to my growing penis.

I didn't ask her if she was sure because I didn't want to have to stop. I let her rack her fingers down my back and rotate her hips against mine. When she pulled away with a gasp, I made a path of kisses along her jaw and down her throat. I didn't question the big leap forward in our relationship because I was young and dumb and infatuated with the fairytale love we thought we had. My hands slid back down her back to find the hem of her pajama shirt. I paused long enough for her to stop me before pulling it over her head and flinging it into the darkness of my room. My tongue blazed a trail down her chest as my hands traveled up her stomach to cup the perfect mounds freed from their cotton confines.

Twisting and pinching her nipples I continued to kiss my way to her breasts. Kyouko rocked her hips against the bulge in my pants. She was running on pure instinct and I couldn't get enough of her. I flipped us around and moved back up to kiss her lips. My hands caressed a slow burning trail down her stomach and sunk beneath the waistband of her shorts.

"Mmh." She moaned into our kiss and lifted her hips. That was all the permission I needed to pull down her shorts and kiss my way down her body.

Her hands gripped my hair and I could smell her arousal. With a deep groan I peppered kisses along the edge of her panties. Her legs opened wider for me and she rub one thigh against my hair. She seemed to like the feel because she brought her other leg up to rest on my shoulder and rubbed that thigh over my hair. I smiled against her lower abdomen and looked up at her. Her entire body was flushed a nice rose color as she watched me lick from the waist of her panties to her bellybutton where I dipped my tongue in. One of her hands left my hair to cup her breast and she arched her back pressing her hips against me.

I licked down her stomach and hooked my fingers in her underwear. She slipped her legs out one at a time as I pulled her panties down only to flung them across the room too. Both of her hands were cupping her breast, tweaking her hardened tips as I had done. She looked at me with need in her eyes as I laid kisses all over her thighs.

"Can I mark you, here?" I asked touching her just above her the short dark curls between her thighs. She swallowed a couple times before nodding her head. I lower my mouth and begin to suck listening to her moan and gasp. I pulled her flesh between my teeth then licked it to soothe away any pain. I did this over and over until a large mark remained when I pulled away.

"Can I kiss you here?" I asked again gliding my finger down to explore the flesh hidden by the damp curls.

"Yes." Kyouko gasped out legs shaking with pent up need.

I kissed down to her folds and teased her with quick pecks to her outer lips. She squirmed and pushed her hips forward wanting more. Carefully my fingers pushed her folds apart and I pressed my tongue along her moist center.

"Ah!" She cried out arching her back.

I licked her again, burying my tongue in her taste. Her body rocked against me as I settled my lips over her clitoris. My middle finger slowly and gently eased inside of her. She tensed briefly but my other hand rubbed her thigh soothingly. With a long moan her muscles relaxed, and my finger slid in. I listened for any sign of discomfort before pulling the finger out and plunging back in. It did take long before she was lifting her hips to meet my finger. Another finger joined the first receiving no resistance this time as she was already lost in her pleasure. I had her bucking her hips and melting in my hand. She was perfect and I couldn't believe that I got to taste her nectar and feel her as she came undone. Her walls constricted around my fingers and my dick ached to be set free. I let her ride out her orgasm as I gently licked her clit.

"Kuon?" She questioned made nervous when I pulled away and got off the bed.

"I'm still right here love. Just grabbing something." I said rubbing her thigh.

I pulled open the drawer of my nightstand grateful that I thought to prepare just in case. Tiny hands found my back and her lips kissed between my shoulder blades. She pulled me back to her and I held up a condom in front of her face. She blushed cutely taking it from me. I removed my boxers then settled myself against the headboard and beckoned her to me. Biting her lip, she crawled over to me being unintentionally erotic.

"I don't know how." She said holding the condom wrapper out to me.

I took it and tore it open with my teeth. Then I took her hands and showed her how to roll the condom onto my hard manhood. She released a shuddering breath as I helped her position herself over me.

"Kuon," She gasped when I was at her entrance. "Will it hurt?"

Gripping her chin, I answered honestly. "It can." She tensed up again and I kissed her nose. "The more you relax the less it will." My fingers danced across her stomach tickling her. "It's just you and me here, there's nothing to be afraid of. I certainly don't want to cause you any pain." I dipped my fingers inside of her and drew out some heady moans. "That's my girl. Relax."

Her nails dug into my shoulders as she rocked against my fingers. My thumb swirled around her clit and I brought her to completion again. She whimpered when I pulled my hand away, but I took her hips and guided her entrance to my waiting manhood. I loosened my grip leaving it up to her to decide. My mouth softly worshiped her neck as she began to ease herself down.

"Hah!" She shuddered and I moaned keeping careful control of my hands so they wouldn't push her all the way onto my aching member.

My kisses on her neck grew harder the longer it took her to guide me inside herself. I bit her to fight my basic instincts. I didn't want to rush her into it or be too rough, especially not for her first time. But god she was taking her sweet time.

"Does it hurt baby?" I asked both to distract myself and soothe her nerves.

"A little." She said pulling back a bit and sliding me out. She moaned and slid me back in finding shallow pleasure.

"Do that a few more times." She obeyed raising up and coming back down, pulling me in a little deep each time.

"Does this hurt you?" She asked cupping my face. "You look like you're in pain."

"No baby I'm just holding myself back from rushing you." She looked at me skeptically. "Honest, Princess, I'm in heaven. Don't you want to come with me?"

"Yes." She nodded and unconsciously picked up her pace. Soon she had taken all of me into her and her face contorted in pain even as she attempted to find a rhythm.

"Come here." I said taking her hips and guiding in a slow easy rhythm. "Fuck Kyouko." I moaned pulling her into my chest and nuzzling my head in her neck.

Even at our slow pace sex with Kyouko was heaven. I could have staid locked in her embrace forever. Our release did come though eventually. It was slow and steady, but our first time was magical. We held onto each other for a long moment afterwards just being connected. Then I got up and pulled her into the bathroom to clean us both up. We found our pajamas and crawled back into bed to snuggle close.

"No more lies." She said tiredly. "You are mine and I am yours, and we don't lie to each other. Promise me."

"I promise." I said immediately. I would give her a play by play of my entire day if that was what she needed.

"Good." She played with the strands of hair at the nape of my neck for a moment. Then nervously biting her lip she said, "I should tell you that I am Bo. Also, Kimiko-san tried to throw me off a roof."

"What!" I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her closer suddenly filled fear. "When? Never mind that doesn't matter, I'm gonna kill her anyway." I moved to stand still holding her in my arms, but she pushed me back down.

"No! You can't." She said gripping my chin to force me to look her in the eyes. "Kimiko isn't important anymore. Besides I need you here right now."

I sighed letting her keep me on the bed. I didn't know where Morizumi was anyway, it was best to wait until morning when I could track her down.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked tucking her head under my chin and holding her tight. The thought that I could have lost my most precious treasure and nobody even told me is equally irritating and nerve wracking. "Where was Yashiro or Kotonami-san? How close did she get to actually throwing you off?"

"It all happened really fast and I don't want to talk about it. I am fine though. No scars or anything, Erika-san saved me." Kyouko reassured me motioning to her body as proof she was ok.

"You should have told me when it happened." I said still on edge and thinking of someone hurting her.

"You should have told me you were Corn back in Guam or when you first realized who I was." She countered flicking my forehead.

I bit my lip and shut up. She had me there.

"No more lies?" She asked pulling her corn stone out of her pajama pocket.

"No more lies." I confirmed clasping my hand around hers and our stone. "It's you and me against the world ok?" We both lean in and kiss our clasped hands then we laugh at our own childish antics.

**A/N: So far everyone is asking about little Ren but nobody has asked me about those that are absent. The next chapter is where things get really sad and messy and I cried so much typing it I couldn't finish flushing out the scene yet. **


	5. Chapter 5

The sound of a pen scrapping against a pad of paper has become oddly soothing to me. The hand swirling the pen around is steady and looks gentle. A man is attached to that hand reading over his own notes through thick glasses. He reminds me of Yashiro-san. That's why I can't talk to him but also why I refuse to find another doctor.

"Kuon tells me you asked about the Darumaya this morning. That's good Kyouko. Have you decided what to do with it?"

I stare at his mouth as he speaks not really hearing his words. I struggle to open my mouth to speak but only manage to painfully swallow my own saliva. My doctor, Sasaki Katsuhito, smiles patiently at me. He is always patient and always kind. He almost never suggests to Kuon that I need to book an extended stay at the hospital masquerading as a high-class spa. Only the obscenely rich can come here to seek treatment for their loved ones who have become too much of a burden. I'm lucky that Kuon only makes me go to bi-weekly sessions. Some patients are dropped off here and their families never come back for them. Kuon waits for me in a cozy lounge by the fireplace.

"I don't want to talk about the Darumaya." I croak out thinking of anything but my former landlords.

"Is there anything you would like to talk about?" Sasaki-sensei asks still scribbling in his notebook. I haven't said anything of substance so I have no clue what he could be writing. "Kuon said you had a bad dream last night. You woke up crying and begging someone to stop. He was concerned that you might try to hurt yourself again."

I squirm anxiously in the large cushioned chair. "I won't." I hear myself whisper but it sounds like a lie. I always lie to keep myself from being locked up in this place.

Locked away never to be seen again like poor Yashiro-san. Sometimes I think of visiting him, but my guilt keeps me away. I know Kuon secretly goes to see him sometimes. And why wouldn't he? Kuon sees no problem with what Yashiro-san did. His only qualms with it was that he hadn't pulled the trigger himself and that Reino had lived. Even permanently paralyzed and eating through a feeding tube was too good a life for him, in Kuon's and Yashiro-san's opinions.

"Were you dreaming about the attack?" The doctor asks and, in my head, I counter with '_Which one?'_ "I could prescribe you some medication if you're having anxiety about it again." His words make me rub my wrists as I think of all the things, I could be having anxiety about. "We've talked about this Kyouko, I can't help you if you don't give me any feedback."

"You can't fix me." My voice says and I desperately want to be proven wrong.

"You're right." Sasaki-sensei says setting his notepad down. "I can't fix you. And Kuon's love cannot cure you. And no amount of time spent bonding with your baby will take the pain of her creation away."

A box of tissues is set in down on the coffee table in front of me and I am shocked to feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I take the box and quiet wipe at my eyes and nose.

"I don't want to fix you because I don't believe you're broken. Kuon only brings you here because he needs help convincing you to take care of yourself." I say nothing and the doctor continues talking somehow knowing all of my innermost insecurities. "He doesn't want to give you up, but he is tired, Kyouko. We all care for you, but we are all tired and we need you to start showing that you care."

"What if I don't care?" I don't know why everybody thinks I'll suddenly be able to make myself into a good mother. Maybe there was a time when I could have loved my child. Before all of the magic left the world. Before I failed Kuon. I would have loved our baby.

"Did Kuon force you to keep the baby?" He continues his questions.

For a moment I am confused, and I say. "No, Nika wasn't planned but I was happy…" I stop myself and search my brain for the correct answer. "I mean no, he told me to do whatever I wanted. He said he was done with me."

Sasaki-san stares me down for a moment before picking his pad of paper back up.

"You _were_ happy about Nika; I remember watching the interviews." He holds my gaze. "I was genuinely saddened to hear the story of how you actually lost Nika from Kuon. The media simply said it was a miscarriage which is painful enough. Nika would be three now, wouldn't she?"

"Nika doesn't exist doctor." I say feeling the aching numbness overtaking my mind gain.

"Who picked the name Nika?"

"Julie, it's Russian." I answer. I don't want to remember but the more I tell my brain to stop thinking about it the more details come to mind. "Kuu and Julie were really excited and Kuon could hardly contain his joy. He used to kiss my stomach and talk to her as though she were already in his arms." I stop talking irritated that I've said so much. My throat hurts and I want to scrape the memories from my brain.

The day I told Kuon that I was pregnant was the happiest day of our lives. We'd been married for five years but we had never planned on having kids. Kuon said he was happy that he got to hold me in his arms, and he didn't need anything more out of life. I was too afraid of being a bad mom to entertain the idea of children. But when I found out I wasn't afraid of that anymore because I already loved her. I knew from that moment on that I would rather die than push my child away from me.

"Did you like the name Nika?" He asks trying to goad me into saying more. I glare at his mouth wishing I could sew it shut. Just because he reminds me of Yashiro-can I let my guard down. "I remember you and Julie used to butt heads because she wanted you to do things a certain way and you wouldn't."

"She just wanted me to have the best of everything." I say not wanting to think of the posh wedding in the ballroom Kuon and I had instead of the fairytale one in the temple we had both liked. It had been a nice wedding, but I must admit that I was upset when Julie decided the dress, I had picked was too plain and the location was old fashioned.

"She wanted you to be more like her. Did you like the name?" My jaw clenches when he tries to return to the talk of the dead.

"Does it matter? I've proven to be the worst kind of mother already. Worse that even my own mother and she ditched me with," my breath hitches and I fiercely block out the memory. "Nika was probably better off not being born to a mother like me. I'm only sorry that I failed Kuon. He would have been a good father."

"He is a good father, Kyouko. To little Ren." I flinch at his words.

"He isn't her father." I say scratching at my thighs. "I…" I start to say that I was a slut, but the doctor would tell on me to Kuon. I'm not allowed to call myself names it gives them the impression that I'll hurt myself. "I cheated on my husband and now I'm paying for it. Serves me right."

"Do you want to talk about your 'cheating?'" He asks and I shake my head. "No? Was it a stranger?" He knows the answer, but he's determined to make me say the name.

I shake my head violently. "Can we be done now?"

"We have some time left. I would like it if you could answer a few more questions." I whimper and curl into myself on the chair. I just want to go home. "Let's go back to that day you 'cheated.' I know you and Kuon had just had a fight. You'd been recovering for almost a year and a half and it was hard on both of you. You and I had had been making some progress during our sessions. You were even starting to not blame yourself."

I shake my head hating him for making me remember.

"Kuon told me about Kotonami-san." I look up shocked. I didn't know that Kuon talked to him about that. "Were you trying to punish him for that?"

"No." I answer thinking that maybe Sasaki-sensei will tell me everything Kuon had said if I talk more. "I mean I don't know, maybe I was. Did he tell you what happened? He always tells me he can't remember."

"He doesn't really remember anything. Alcohol can do that sometimes, but that's why he stopped drinking isn't it?"

"I guess." I say disappointed by the lack of information.

"Do you still love Kuon?"

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Does it matter? My love will not cure him." I bite back.

Sasaki-san smiles. "There is still so much fight left in you Kyouko. I hope some day you can see how beautiful that is. Just like I hope someday you'll talk, and I mean actually talk. To me or to Kuon, or even just yourself. You have to tell someone what happened."

"I don't know what you mean. Nothing happened." If I say it enough maybe it'll come true. Maybe there is just enough magic left in the world and Ren could become Kuon's daughter. I could wake up tomorrow and hold Nika in my arms and it will be as though the last two years had never happened. "Can we be done now?" I ask cleaning up my mess of tissues.

"Yes, Kyouko, we can end this session here." Sasaki-sensei says, and I stand up quickly to bow to him before running out the door.

I make it to Kuon who is sitting by the fireplace in deep contemplation as he drinks his tea. I gather up my coat and tell him it's time to go. If we are fast enough, we can make it out of her before Sasaki-sensei comes out to talk to Kuon.

Kuon raising a brow at me but remains seated. "You know I have to speak to Katsu-sensei first." He says and he continues to sip his tea and wait for Sasaki-sensei to come out of his office.

Annoyed I get the urge to flick him in the forehead. That isn't something I can allow myself to do anymore. I swallow my annoyance and take a seat on the couch across from him. I don't deserve to sit beside him. He should have thrown me out the first time I failed him.

**A/N: My heart hurts but I keep having the same nightmare. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Kyouko: Past**

"Wife!" Kuon shouted from the bedroom and a thrill runs through me. "Wife why did I just wake up alone?" He asked wrapping me up in his arms. I giggled as he nuzzled my neck. "How many times do I have to tell you not to leave me sleeping in the morning? I can help with breakfast."

"You looked so peaceful; I couldn't bring myself to wake you." I said turning in his arms to capture his lips. "Besides you worked really late last night."

"You worked late too." Kuon said kissing down my neck. "If you had woken me up earlier, we could have had time for each other."  
"Oh, was there something you wanted to do with me?" I said knowing exactly what he wanted.

"Everything." He said dropping his hands to my thighs and picking me up. My legs automatically wrap around his waist and I pull him back down for a deep kiss.

He breaks away for a moment to shut off the stove so our breakfast wouldn't burn. Then he returned his full attention to my lips. His pajama pants dropped to the floor and he laid fervent kisses down my throat to my chest. His right hand slid between us to cup the warmth between my legs. I had gotten over my insecurities long before we were even married. Kuon had made a habit out of kissing every inch of my bod as he whispered about how beautiful and perfect, he thought it was. I stopped wearing clothes around our apartment. Most days I just wore one of his shirts or my apron unless we had company.

"Hmm." I moaned at the feeling of his middle finger entering me.

"Does that feel good?" he asked pressing his thumb to my clit as his finger slowly slid in and out of me. The only response I could give was a loud moan. He chuckled and pulled my face close so he could ravage my mouth.

"Kuon!" I threw my head back as a second finger entered me. He bit his way down my neck and laid wet kisses over my left breast until he found my erect nipple. He bit and sucked and pumped his fingers inside of me until I came all over his hand and our thighs. He always made me gush cum and it never ceased to be the most erotically embarrassing thing about have sex with him.

"You're all wet." He teased still holding his fingers inside my pulsating pussy. "Should I clean you up?" He asked making a move to kneel, but I grabbed his head.

"No, no I want you inside me now." I demanded. He grinned wickedly and swirled his fingers inside me. "Not your fingers, you. The part of you that belongs to me."

"Princess, every part of me belongs to you." He teased me more shallowly pumping his fingers in and out.

"Kuon, stop being a bully." I flicked his forehead and he laughed but pulled his fingers out. He took me by the waist and positioned my dripping entrance over her cock. "Kuon!" I tried to slam myself down, but he held me away.

"What do you say?"

"Fuck me now." I said giving him my best empress of the night expression.

"As you wish." He said before shoving himself inside of me. We both groaned at the feeling of his penis filling me up.

My walls hugged him tight and I sang his name as he pounded into me. He came biting my neck with a growl. The feeling of his warm cum spilling inside me made my vagina clamp down around him and I squirt my juices all over him again.

Still inside me Kuon leaned against the counter and said, "I love being married to you."

"You always say that." I said rolling my eyes.

"Well than it must be true." He said pinching my nose.

"Must be." I said catching his finger between my teeth. I could taste myself as I flicked my tongue over his fingers. I remember wondering if he tasted like me or if I tasted like him. We had been so in sync; become so much alike at that point that I couldn't remember who Mogami Kyouko was.

"Boy or girl?" Kuon asked touching my stomach with his free hand.

"What would you prefer?" I asked back. I was certain that I was going to have a girl, but I hadn't asked him before what he wanted.

"Both." He said giving me those damned puppy dog eyes.

"Greedy man!" I acted scandalized but smiled and leaned in for a kiss.

"Mmmm." He moaned in into our kiss before pulling out of me and setting me back on my feet. "We better eat. I don't want my wife to scold me for skipping breakfast."

"Hizuri-san did you just ask me for food?" I teased him.

"Haha." He mocked turning around to pull a towel from a drawer. He wet it than wiped me down. I took it from him and did the same for him. "Hurry up so we can have another round in the shower."

I laughed as he began to hurriedly set the table not even bothering to redress himself.

Eventually we managed to get ready for work and went our separate ways. He went to film his newest drama and I went to film my latest movie. I was the main protagonist of the film with Kijima-san cast as my brother, and Momose-san as his love interest. We had a nice mini Dark Moon reunion nearly everyday on set. The media had teased Momose-san about losing Katsuki to Mio. We played along and charmed them whenever we were asked questions by interviewers.

It had been fun but there was a chill in the air that summer and I had been jumpy the entire time we were filming. It was a familiar cold feeling in my back that I couldn't place but it had me constantly checking over my shoulder.

"Kyouko-chan, something wrong?" Kijima asked when he noticed me constantly checking behind me. I had finished for the day and waiting for Yashiro-san to pick me up.

"It's nothing." I stuttered over my words. "I just thought I felt something."

"Ok," he said look over my shoulder suspiciously. "Stay close to me than. I'll protect you."

"Thanks Kijima-san but Yashiro-san will be here soon. I'll be fine." I said smiling up at him.

"Well I won't be fine. I have to wait for my manager too and I'll feel lonely; keep me company." He had done this all throughout filming. Either Kuon had put him up to it or he had really taken his brother role seriously. He even stayed after his manager arrived if Yashiro-san hadn't showed up by then. Everyday we worked together I felt like a child. All be it a very safe child.

It had taken me some time to place the chilling feeling. One night we had been filming close to the Darumaya. On my break I excused myself to walk over to the restaurant. I entered taking in the warm scent of fried fish, steamed rice, and freshly made noodles.

"Kyouko-chan." Okami-san hugged me tight. "Can I feel?" By that time, I was sixteen weeks pregnant but still barely showing. Kuon had started to worry and tried to make me eat more, though the doctor assured us that our little Nika was perfectly healthy and growing fine.

"Kyouko-chan." The Taisho-san came out of the kitchen to greet me and saw his wife rubbing my belly. His lips twitched into a smile.

"Kyouko-chan!" Some of the regular customers called out and raised their glasses to me. "Kanpai!"

I bowed to them then that same chill ran up my spine as my eyes landed on a petite woman seated with a long platinum blond man. I closed my eyes believing myself delusional but when I opened them Kimiko was still their hanging onto Reino's arm.


	7. Chapter 7

**Kuon: Past**

Kyouko stopped working after the attack and she never went back. She wouldn't get out of bed. She just laid their hands clutching at her empty belly. I wished I could make everything okay again. I wanted nothing more than to fix her broken heart, but she had closed herself off from me. We slept next to each other, but she recoiled from my touch. Eventually she moved into the guestroom and only spoke when necessary. It was lonely to look at her and have nothing to say. I never thought that we could become strangers over something someone else had done. It's cheesy but there had been a time when I didn't know where she ended, and I began. Who was I before her?

"Tsuruga, how is my best friend doing?" Kotonami-san asked me as the makeup artists adjusted her makeup.

It had been nearly two years since the attack. Nearly two years of Kyouko rarely leaving the house for anything other than therapy. She slept mostly, ate very little, and only spoke when it was absolutely necessary to keep herself out of the hospital. I worked mostly for something to do. Somewhere to go where my lonely existence still meant something.

Kotonami-san and I were filming a drama together. We had never really become close friends, but we tolerated each other for Kyouko. After the attack we still weren't very close, but we agreed on most things to do with Kyouko. Neither of us wanted to leave her at the hospital. We both wanted to always be with her. We both argued with Julie whenever she tried to rush Kyouko into being better. Julie meant well but she never seemed to understand why our strong brave Kyouko couldn't muster the strength to get out of bed.

"She got up this morning and requested eggs, however she started crying about baby chicks after a couple bites. Her doctor says she's making progress though." I answered. "Fuwa is bringing her supper tonight."

Kotonami-san eyes me with annoyance. "You're still letting that useless pig watch her?"

"Everyone else is working tonight." I said more to ease my nerves than hers.

Fuwa helped take care of her sometimes. He would bring lunch or dinner when he was free. He checked in on the Okami-san and Taisho-san when he could and reported back to her. It gave me some solace to know that she didn't talk to him either at first. It hadn't been just me receiving the silent treatment.

With every day that passed however she slowly opened up to him. She fought with him. Petty fights which amounted to nothing, but it made me jealous. We used to have petty fights that went in circles until neither of us could remember why we were fighting. Then we would laugh. Sometimes we would have sex but usually it was just fun for us to pick on each other. I just wanted some piece of that bond back.

"I don't trust Fuwa." Kotonami-san said glaring at me in the mirror.

"It isn't about trusting him. I can't leave her alone and he was the only one available. Hikaru-san said he could stop by later but then she'd be by herself for three hours." I said looking anywhere but into her accusing gaze.

Kotonami-san wanted me to quit and stay home with Kyouko. She thought it would be best for me to care for my wife full time. She said that I was rich enough and had no need to work and though that was true I couldn't bring myself to quit acting. Part of me was still holding out hope that Kyouko would return to acting. I couldn't risk tarnishing her reputation in any way before she could return. I couldn't have people thinking she was controlling me or keeping me all to herself. She would come back and the people would love her again. All I needed to do was keep myself relevant enough so that when she returned, we would both have more offers than we could handle. Yukihito would return as well and have his old job back. Kyouko may be the one who believed in fairy tales, but I was the one deluding myself with fantasies. After all at that point I was exhausted by only two filming obligations and Kyouko showed no signs of ever rejoining our world.

"Kyouko should have married Hikaru." Kotonami said harshly. "He would have quit working to stay with her full time if he had the money."

A strained smile stretched my lips. "At this point if it made her happy again, I might let him take her away. It isn't his visits though that make her happy." That was the real reason I tolerated Fuwa watching her. She called him her friend again and sometimes I caught them alone in our apartment laughing together multiple times. I wanted her laugh to be mine again. It broke my heart to hear her enjoying his company but at that point I was willing to give up anything to save her life. Even our marriage.

Though she denied anything was going on between them I grew more and more suspicious of his motives every day. He had been so eager to be her friend again. He was too willing to do whatever he could to help us. I should have questioned his reason for being at the Darumaya that night, but I was too blinded by jealousy.

When I got home that night he was there with his arm around my wife. Well his arm was on the sofa behind her head as they watched TV. It was some cheesy variety show that I knew he liked but she wasn't really paying attention to. Her eyes were set on her plate of barely touched food.

"Kuon!" She noticed me first and jumped up surprised.

"I'm home." I say dejectedly as I watched Fuwa stand and stretch his arm landing on Kyouko's shoulder.

"Tsuruga how was your day?" he asked pleasantly but I could see the smugness in his eyes. If I had put my arm around her, she would have cringed away.

"It was fine Fuwa. I haven't been Tsuruga Ren in years though." I said disguising the bitter jealousy boiling in my veins with a smile. I watched Kyouko stiffen at the sight and I let my face fall. "Did you have a nice dinner?" I asked motioning to her uneaten plate of food. It was mostly food he liked but she wouldn't have eaten it even if it were tailored to her tastes.

"Good. Kyouko and I had loads of fun. We had a lot to talk about." He said squeezing her close.

I wanted to shove him off her but the blush on her face broke my heart too much. I walked away to my bedroom leaving them alone. I could hear them bickering about something and my heartbeat faster. I wanted to irritate her like that. I wanted to see her cute face as I pushed her buttons. I wanted my headstrong wife back and it seemed that he was the only one who could pull that out of her.

My anger got the better of me that night and I marched back out to break up their fight. I asked Fuwa to leave and he sneered at me. My fists clenched ready to hit him.

"Kuon?" Kyouko placed a hand lightly on my back.

"Goodnight Fuwa." I said as the younger man walked towards the door.

"Later Tsuruga." He replied then looked over my shoulder at Kyouko. "See you tomorrow Kyouko."

Alone with my wife at last I turned to her hoping she still had some of the spark from their argument. I was disappointed to find her eyes downcast and her hands twisting together.

After a moment of silence, she looked up at my chest. "I'm going to bed." I reached out to grab her arm and she twisted it out of my grasp. "Don't!"

"Don't what Kyouko? Hold your hand? Want your attention? What is it that I've done?" I screamed advancing towards her. Everything in me told me it was time to let her go. She could be happier with him. I wasn't the one who could heal her. But she was mine. I wanted her to argue with me. I wanted to make her laugh.

With every step forward I took; she took a step back. I felt my sanity slipping away as I thought of all the ways she ignored me but not him.

"Why is it so wrong of me to want my wife to talk to me?" She hit the couch and fell backwards.

"…" she opened her mouth shaking her head. There was always something she was trying to say but her jaw would clench, and she'd go silent.

"What? Just say it! Say what you need to say damn it!" I slammed my fist into the table making her jump and her food fell to the floor.

"Woah, calm down Tsuruga." Fuwa came in apparently having a key to my apartment. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why she had become friends with him again. So, he was acting nice did that absolve him from all his past crimes against her?

"My name hasn't been Tsuruga for over five years Shoutaro!" I said earning a sneer from him.

"Whatever." He said before turning to Kyouko. "You alright?"

"She's fine." I said taking her arm and pulling her off the couch and towards me. She fought me for a moment, but I yanked her closer and asked in a menacing voice. "Why does he have a key again?" I had taken it back from him multiple times, but he always made up some excuse to ask her for it.

"It's hers to give away isn't it?" I didn't like that way he posed the question. Like there was something else he was implying she'd given to him.

"No." I stated simply struggling to keep myself calm. "It's mine, give it back." I demanded like a petulant child. "And get out of my apartment."

"God Tsuruga listen to yourself. My apartment. My key. My wife. You're so rich, aren't you?" He asked in a mocking tone. "Everything belongs to you." He said handing me back my key.

"Yes, Fuwa, I own everything in this place." I said my fist itching to punch him. "Someday you'll need to accept that."

"Is that ok with you Kyouko? Do you like being his favorite toy?" Our eyes fell on Kyouko who had stood frozen by my side. "How long do you think he'll wait before he just decides to start using what belongs to him?" He asked motioning down her body.

"Get out Fuwa." I said disgusted by his implication. "Get the hell out of my house and stay away from my wife. Go ask Reino what happens to people who fail to do so."

"Careful Tsuruga, you don't have a manger left to take the blame for you." He mocked and I saw red.

"Stop!" Kyouko yelled seizing my fist before I could hit him. "It's late. You should go home Shou, we're all tired and a little cranky." She said this while squeezing my fist as an order for me to stay calm. A small twinge of excitement woke up inside of me at her silent command. I missed my feisty domineering wife.

"I can't leave you with him. He's clearly itching to hurt someone, and I'd rather be his punching bag than leave you to his mercy." His words make me laugh.

I'd die before hurting Kyouko, but her hands were the only thing keeping me from killing him. For whatever reason she considered him a friend and didn't want me to break his face with my fists. That only made me want to hurt him more. A part of her heart still beat for him.

"Get out." She said calmly. "Kuon is my husband, Shoutaro." There was a pointed look between them that I wanted to ask about. Fuwa scoffed glaring at her hands holding mine.

"Whatever stay with him. Be his little wife." He stomped out of our apartment.

I looked down at her and she stared wistfully at the door. Almost like she wished she could go after him. It was my turn to yank my hand away. Startled she turned her eyes up at me. I shouldn't have pulled away, but I was too angry to be nice. I had to put some distance between us before I opened my stupid mouth and said something harmful.

"Kuon?" She followed me to the bedroom and didn't stop even as I entered the bathroom. I started stripping ignoring her presence. "Kuon!" She didn't seem bothered by my nudity though it had been over a year since she had seen me naked. "Kuon look at me please."

"Why should I?" I finally asked with a heavy sigh. "You have treated me like a stranger for over a year and now suddenly I'm supposed to be nice to you. Why? Have you changed your mind? Are you my wife again?"

"Corn." Her hand touched my chest. I shoved it away. "Corn I'm sorry." I caught her hand in mine and tugged on it and to my surprise she came closer willingly. "I think that Shou thinks something is going on between us that isn't, and it occurred to me that you might have similar thoughts. I wanted you to know that there is nothing between Shoutaro and me."

"How do you expect me to believe that when he's the only person you open up to?" Gripping her chin, I forced her to look me in the eyes. "You won't talk to me but here you are joking and bickering with him."

"I can't talk to you."

"Why not?" Tears were streaming down my face as I tried to pull her closer. I needed her to be mine again.

"I…" she shook her head and pulled away. Her hands clutched at her stomach. Her mouth opened and closed but she couldn't spit the words out.

"Goodnight Kyouko." I said turning back to the shower and turning the hot water on full blast. I didn't wait for her to leave. I was tired of being ignored and pushed away so she could be with him.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't blame myself for everything that happened to her. I knew something was wrong, but I trusted her safety to Kijima and Momose. If I had been a better husband, I would have gone to set everyday to keep her safe. If I were a better husband, I would have quit acting like Kotonami-san said. It's not like I didn't have the money to support her. If I am truly honest with myself, I wasn't really waiting for her to return to acting. I just couldn't be in that lonely apartment receiving nothing but silence.

I am to blame for her running away to the Ryokan that week. If I hadn't been in that drama, there wouldn't have been a cast party for me to go to. Kotonami-san and I would never have gotten drunk together. We wouldn't have broken Kyouko's heart with an act neither of us can even remember.


	8. Chapter 8

**Kyouko:Past**

I don't remember the attack. Everyone wanted me to remember but I couldn't. It was all just a haze to me. I kept going to the Darumaya to check on my former landlords, but I never saw any more signs of Reino or Kimiko. I thought that I must have imagined them being there that night. So, when Kijima-san or Momose-san would ask if I was alright, I could honestly say yes. I walked from set to the Darumaya with no fear and I walked back with food to share with my friends.

Everything was fine until that last night. I remember feeling sleepy. Okami-san asked me if I was alright and offered to let me rest in my old room. I must have accepted because when I woke up it was really dark outside. Dark and eerily quiet.

I stumbled out of the room, struggling to focus my mind on anything. My legs felt like noodles, so I attempted going down the stairs slowly and mostly by scooting on my butt. There was a strange moaning sound and then pain in my side. Long hair blocked my view of the face of someone tall standing over me.

"Run!" Someone screamed, and at the time I thought it might have been my own brain telling my legs to move. The entire attack is a jumble of limbs and steel in my mind. Blood oozed out of my side, but I kicked my weak legs at my assailant, and I ran. I had to protect my baby. I had to get away.

A hand yanked me back by my hair and I think I was stabbed again. I seized the knife from my attacker's hands before they could plunge it back into me. Filled with fury, I stabbed them wherever I could reach and ran out the door and down the alley. I ran for the light at the end of the alleyway though at knew it was too late for anyone to be out. There would be no help there and I would die alone outside of my old home.

I collided with a body and thinking it was my attacker I screamed.

"Kyouko? Kyouko!" A familiar voice screamed at me, but I hit, and I kicked, and I tried desperately to get free. "Kyouko it's me. Kyouko stop." I fell into his arms exhausted. I was sure that I was dying.

"Kuon, I want Kuon." I whispered and I'll never forget the sneer my words brought to Shoutaro's face.

I was in a hospital room when I came to. I was confused at first. I didn't know where I was or how I got there. The only thing keeping me from jumping up and screaming was Kuon's hand holding mine. I remember feeling empty and I knew that Nika was gone. No one had to tell me; I could feel it in my bones. My baby hadn't survived. I broke down crying and Kuon wrapped me in his arms cradling my head to his chest.

At first, he was understanding. He was my gentle husband trying to ease me back into normal life. I gave him nothing in return. There was no fight left in me. There was nothing Kuon could do to make me want to get out of the bed in the morning and eventually I started to distance myself from him. I didn't want to lose him, but I knew he deserved better than me. He deserved someone who could muster a smile when he entered the room. Instead he was stuck with a moping pathetic mess like me.

Shoutaro came around to help. He would visit the Taisho-san and Okami-san and tell me how they were doing. Taisho-san had his legs broken that night. The person or people who had attacked me had gotten to him first. The Okami-san had been knocked out from behind on her way up the stairs to check on me and Shou said he had stopped by to get some food he had ordered from them. I never asked him for a reason as to why he was there, but he told me anyway. He was just being typical Shoutaro telling me all about his life with no concern for me or my feelings. It was oddly comforting in a way. Shou never asked me if I could remember the attack. He wasn't obsessed with being nice or gentle with me. With him I could pretend that I was a child, resilient and whole. He picked fights and treated me like I was normal. It was as though the attacked had never happened for him and that gave me the freedom to pretend for a little while that it really hadn't happened.

I never intended to give him the wrong idea. We were just friends and all I wanted was someone I could pretend with. I hadn't failed to protect his child and he hadn't attempted to murder Reino in a misguided attempt at justice. Everything was a haze but the person who had stabbed me hadn't been Reino. I know that because after some of the haze started to clear I realized it had been his voice that night screaming at me to run. He was there and he had been part of the attacked, but he hadn't been the one who wanted me dead. It was his way to stalk and scare his prey but not kill. When Kuon didn't listen to me and decided to punish Reino anyway I was too angry at him to continue to share his bed.

Shoutaro came around more often once he learned I was staying in the guestroom. He started sitting closer to me on the couch. His hands always found a way to touch me, pressing against my back on our way to the kitchen, or tucking my hair behind my ear. I noticed this and started to pin my hair back when I knew he was coming. I was careful not to walk too close to him, but he always found a way to touch me. I brushed off the uneasy feeling that his actions gave me. He was just being Shoutaro and treating me as he always had. I ignored a lot and let him get too close to me.

"What does Kuon want to try to make another brat?" He asked one day after the fifth or sixth time that I pulled my head away before he could pet me. He was irritated and eager to pick a fight but at that point it wasn't fun for me anymore. His fights had become too personal and he was starting to pry for information on my marriage.

"Nika wasn't a brat and if Kuon wants another baby that is between him and me." I snapped glaring at the TV. I couldn't believe he would bring up something so painful just because I wouldn't let him touch my hair.

"Right. So, when was the last time you had sex anyway? He must be getting it from somewhere else by now. All those sexy models he sees everyday probably line up outside his dressing room just to blow him." My jaw clenched. I had already thought of that and part of me accepted it but another part, the childish part who still believed in happily ever after and the one, she wanted to believe in Kuon's loyalty. I wasn't so naïve anymore but Shoutaro didn't have to throw it in my face. "Can't blame him, can you? He isn't getting any at home."

"Kuon isn't like that Shoutaro. He's not you." I bit back, holding on to what little magic I still believed existed. "Corn would never do that." Fairies don't cheat. I added in my head to reassure myself.

"Corn." Shoutaro drew out the nickname snidely. We remained silent for a moment as he finished his food and I poked at mine. I was trying to think of the best way to kick him out when his arm landed on my shoulder. "When you two divorce where will you live?" his head dipped down to look me in the eyes. "I guess you could come stay with me if you want." His lips descended towards mine, but I slapped my palm over his face and pushed him away.

"You're disgusting." I said.

"I was only messing with you stupid. As if anyone would ever want to kiss you." He said leaning back on the couch.

I glared at my food and opened my mouth to tell him to leave when the door opened and Kuon walked in. My back stiffened for a second as guilt rushed through me. Then I remembered that I hadn't done anything. Shoutaro was just being a jackass like usual and I hadn't let him touch me. My heart was still secure in my love for Kuon.

As a way to further spurn Shoutaro I jumped I called out to Kuon lovingly and jumped off the sofa. He wasn't deterred however, and he followed me to his feet to place his arm around me. Full of smug satisfaction Shoutaro spoke with my husband hugging me closer. Kuon went to his room as I shoved Shoutaro off me.

"Your face is all red Kyouko. Admit it, you want me."

"Gross, as if anybody would want an anteater like you. I'm not blushing with shyness; I'm pissed at you. Get off me and go home. Don't come back here if this is how you're going to act."

"Ouch." Shoutaro placed his hand over his heart. "Whatever, you it's only a matter of time before you're mine again. And Kuon is probably already someone else's."

"Fuwa you are ugh…" I screamed unable to pick an adjective harsh enough to describe him. Fighting with him felt good though. It was our normal. It was safe.

"Fuwa your driver is waiting outside for you. Please don't keep him or your lovely manager waiting." I heard Kuon say in controlled tone.

My heart jumped and my pulse accelerated. My thighs clenched as Kuon's anger washed over me. I hated that his cool commanding voice could make me feel so eager for his touch. I needed to calm him down before I dared to ask for that touch. It was something I no longer deserved. I couldn't allow myself that happiness ever again. What was worse was the thought of ever getting pregnant again. I had already failed to protect his first baby; I would rather die than fail again.

For the life of me I don't know why I ever thought Shoutaro and I could be friends. I guess I didn't know who I was for a moment. I never thought I was giving him the wrong impression of our relationship though. I was married and though at that point it had been seventeen months, ten days, and six ours since I lost Nika, to me it had just happened. No one seemed to want to understand that. They were all concerned that I would lose my husband if I continued to push him away, but I wasn't, not really. I removed myself from our marriage so I wouldn't have blamed him if he had asked for a divorce. I would have accepted him finding happiness with anyone else. Kuon was all the magic I needed and though I wouldn't have blamed him I never thought he'd actually get sick of me.

Until he did.


	9. Chapter 9

**Kuon: present with flashbacks**

"Kuon, can you take me back to that night with Kotonami-san? Is there nothing you remember?" Katsu- sensei asks. He finds it concerning that neither I nor Kotonami-san recall the night before Kyouko found us in bed together. I can barely remember the day before, though I know there was a cast party we both had to attend.

"I don't remember much from that time." I say truthfully. "We were at the cast party for our drama."

"Did you go together?"

"No, she was there with my cousin. They liked each other and honestly I was glad he had something other than me to focus on." I say thinking of my bully of a cousin. "I threatened him that he had to be nice to her for Kyouko's sake, but he said he was already planning on it. He really liked her." Guilt seizes my heart as I recall that Kyouko's wasn't the only heart I broke.

"Cedric liked Kyouko too didn't? When they first met." The doctor asks and I smile at him.

"Not like that. He thought she was a cute kid. He said the I didn't deserve her. I guess I proved him right in that regard. But he really wanted to start something serious with Kotonami-san."

I remember having a short conversation with my cousin and Kotonami. Then Koga had come over to express his annoyance over learning that his lead role in our drama had been offered to me first. I had turned it down because I needed a less demanding role that would enable me to be home with Kyouko. He had wanted to win the role in a fair fight against me, but I didn't care. I just needed something small to occupy my time with, but he took it as a slight until he realized that Kyouko wasn't doing as well as we lead the public to believe. The official story was that she was taking time to be a stay at home wife and also visiting with my parents in the states. It wasn't that far off from the truth, but we kept her true state of heart break a secret from the media.

_"Now that I've greeted you I have only about thirty other people to get through. Then I can go home." I'd said patting him on the shoulder._

_"Why not just leave now? If I had a pretty little wife waiting for me at home, I wouldn't be here." He said knowing that I was avoiding my pretty little wife for a reason. "Oh, just a heads up Morizumi-san is here."_

_"He is the director." I said shrugging. _

_"Not him, his annoying niece. She tried tricking me into being caught in an illicit situation with her a few years back. Don't let her trick you into something innocent that she can twist for the media." I nodded knowing all too well the kind of tricks that nuisance could pull. "She doesn't even act anymore so I don't know why she's always trying to keep herself in the spotlight."_

_I walked around, greeting as many people as I could in a timely manner. It occurred to me that I was being foolish. I could leave at any time I wanted but than I'd have to face Kyouko. I would be lonely staring at a shadow of the girl I loved. _

Katsu sighs while writing something down. "Did you intend to kill Reino when you illegally obtained the gun?" He asks startling me out of my reverie.

"What?" I ask warily. No one can ever know that I was there that night. I promised Yukihito that I would never say anything.

"I know you were there Kuon. Yashiro-san pulled the trigger, but it wasn't his gun. He wasn't the one who had beaten Reino within an inch of his life either. It's understandable that you would want to kill Reino. He had taken everything from you that mattered. If not for him Nika would be three and your marriage wouldn't have suffered the way it did. Your wife wouldn't have suffered the way she did." He is staring me down, daring me deny his words. "Do you want to kill Fuwa Shoutaro?"

Yes.

"I remember thinking that I was going to kill Reino. I wanted him to pay for hurting Kyouko." I say not admitting to anything. "I didn't shoot him though. No matter how much I wish I had."

_I had cornered him in his own apartment. _

_"Hizuri, let's talk about this." Reino tried to weasel his way out of it but I let my darkness consume me. "I need to explain…" _

_My fist connected with his jaw. _

_"There's nothing for you to explain. I know you stalked my wife for months." My fists rained down on him. Reino cowered to the floor so I began to kick him. "You beat the Okami-san!" I grabbed his head and slammed it against the floor. "You hurt Kyouko and killed our baby." I took out my gun and aimed it at his head._

_"Stop!" A voice behind me called out before I could pull the trigger. _

_"Yukihito?" I faltered for a second and that piece of shit Reino seized his opportunity. He lunged for the gun, his hand shoving me back. He got the gun and aimed it at me._

_"Listen to me." He'd said breathing hard. "I have to tell you something." _

_I punched him again. He could shoot me if he wanted to, I didn't care. _

_"Just listen!" He shouted but I bashed my head against his and sent him to the ground. The gun skidded across the floor. _

_"Kuon you need to go." I was shoved away from Reino. "Kuon, Morizumi-san called the police you have to leave now. Go home to Kyouko." _

_Morizumi-san had been with Reino when I'd come for him. She was screaming at him about his obsession with Kyouko and telling him he was sick. When she saw me, she looked from Miroku, to me, to Reino, then she ran out the door. I assumed they'd been dating. Despite how annoying she could be I didn't think she deserved to be with an asshole like Reino. _

"Yukihito shot Reino." I say to Katsu-sensei realizing I haven't spoken for a while. "I hired lawyers for him and tried to keep him out of prison. I wish I had pulled the trigger. Maybe than Kyouko wouldn't have pushed me away."

"I doubt that you murdering him would have made her happy. In fact, I don't even believe that she was pushing you away consciously. From what I have come to know about her, she was self-conscious about the scars he had left and the baby she had lost." He says looking at me with kind eyes.

He isn't saying anything I don't already know. I may have figured it out too late, but I know that her issue is with herself and not my touch. I remember asking her why she never told me. I ranted about how dangerous it had been for her to continue visiting the Darumaya by herself. I remember all too well my own harsh words. At the time I never thought that she would take them as accusations. I never thought she would take my words and believe she was to blame for what Reino had done. I never thought that her hatred for herself would give her the idea that she didn't deserve me.

"Kuon," Katsu-sensei begins in a carefully calm voice as he leans forward in his chair. "Do you think it's time to keep Kyouko in the hospital for a longer stay?"

"No." I can't do that. I promised her I would never do that.

"I know she doesn't want it but sometimes what we want isn't always what we need. What she wants isn't what you need right now. You have a baby to take care of and…"

"I won't abandon her." I say slamming my fist down on the coffee table.

Katsu-sensei holds his hands up. "No one is suggesting that you abandon her. What I want is a better situation for the two of you. I don't think that Julie in particular is the best babysitter for Kyouko. She tries to be good to her, but she expects too much out of Kyouko."

"I've talked to her about that. She knows not to yell or ask why when Kyouko can't do something." I say irritated by my mother.

"Did you also tell her to stop hiding the baby formula and the breast pump? She's trying to force Kyouko to breastfeed little Ren and we can all understand why, but Kyouko just isn't ready. She may never be ready and removing her from the home for a while might improve her relationship with your mother and ease the stress she feels from hearing her baby cry and being unable to hold her." I know all of this, but I can't bring myself to agree to leaving her here.

"I can't leave her here. No matter how we explain it she would see it as abandonment. I'm not her mother I won't leave her to be cared for by strangers. I won't hurt her more than I already have." I say and Katsu-sensei sighs again.

"I'm sorry. We should be discussing you and your emotions not Kyouko." He leans back in his chair. "How have you been feeling lately, Kuon?"

"I'm as well as can be expected." I say unable to think of anything else.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I have no complaints. My only concern at the moment is Kyouko."

"Kyouko? You have no complaint about raising another man's baby? By yourself I might add. No resentment towards Fuwa Shou for seducing your wife when she was vulnerable and confused? I suspect she might have been drunk as well and not entirely consenting. Yet you haven't shot him?" He poses it like a question though he knows I have no proof it wasn't consensual. I can't even be sure it was Fuwa. Kyouko won't say a word about that night other than how sorry she is.

"Last time I tried to ask her about that night she overdosed on the sleeping pills you prescribed. I can't make her tell me who it was and Fuwa has been MIA for months. If I knew where he was, I would kill him. I would hunt him down like the animal he is and then who would be left to raise little Ren and keep Kyouko alive." I say realizing that I can never actually kill Fuwa. The bastard deserves torture and death, but he ran off on some song writing retreat.

"And say it was consensual, which we are both pretty certain it wasn't, but you aren't the slightest bit angry at her? She lost your baby. Got pregnant by another man whom she had a previous relationship with and now she's has basically left you to raise his child. You don't resent her?" he asks, and I raise a brow at him.

"You want me to resent Kyouko?"

"No, I want the two of you to be magically cured and live happily ever after." He says with stars in his eyes but then he turns serious. "It would be perfectly normal if you did feel some negative emotion towards her or even towards little Ren. You can love someone and forgive them or even believe that they aren't responsible for the situation but still feel angry or hurt by them or their existence."

"Little Ren didn't choose to be born. She didn't force herself into existence." I say but I can feel the tears stinging my eyes. "I do feel hurt whenever I am reminded that she isn't mine, because I want her to be mine. I took care of Kyouko during the pregnancy. I was there when she gave birth. I named little Ren after myself. She is mine. And yet she isn't. It isn't fair but I don't know how to forgive her for that."

"Kyouko or little Ren?" he asks but I have no answer to give. "You should think about it. Think and come back to me to talk about it. It is perfectly normal to be mad, but I know you understand that it isn't their fault."

I nod and stand to leave. The doctor and I say our goodbyes and I leave. I have to get home to relieve my mother of babysitting duty.


	10. Chapter 10

**Kyouko: Past**

I heard him come home that night. I heard her too, giggling as she entered my home with my husband. I had no idea who she was at the time. Some nameless gorgeous woman. I was confident that she meant nothing to him though. As I laid in my bed listening to them, I clung to the thought that it was just sex. He was frustrated and lonely because I had pushed him away for so long. Everything at that point felt like a slow-moving dream.

In my emotional I imagined that I heard footsteps outside my door. For a moment I panicked that he was going to ask me to join. Kuon wouldn't be so cruel though. Maybe he was checking if I was asleep, or maybe the guilt had already hit him. I must have imagined it though, because Kuon and Kanae both maintained that they were too drunk to remember. If Kuon where that drunk, he would have been stumbling and cursing as he bumped into things. Whoever it was had been carefully quiet as they stepped over to the door and… pressed their ear to it? It's strange what our memories come up with and even stranger still that I am not sure if the memory was real or not. The doorknob started to turn but there was a voice. Someone was arguing with somebody else.

It must have all been a dream. There were only two people in the apartment when I woke up. Their clothes had been strewn across the floor leading to his bedroom. A dress I recognized drew tears to my eyes. The blue satin heels I had helped Kanae pick out only a week before broke me.

I gathered their things and stormed into the bedroom. There they were. Their perfect bodies bare and lost in a slumbering embrace. I screamed and threw their clothes and shoes at them. Kuon woke up first and to his credit him genuinely appeared appalled to discover Kanae in bed with him. His eyes locked with mine and he instantly jumped out of bed.

"No." He said shaking his head. "No, this isn't real. Kyouko…" his mouth was moving but I couldn't hear anything.

"Get out." I said seeing Kanae wake up. She found her dress and quickly slipped it on. "Get out!" I screamed lunging at her. "Get out of my bed!"

Kanae jumped away from me and Kuon quickly caught me. They were both pleading with me; trying to explain what had happened but I didn't care.

"Kotonami just go!" Kuon shouted struggling to contain me as I beat my fists against him and tried to kick him.

"Get your hands off me!" I yelled slapping him. Kanae left finally and his grip loosened but he didn't let go.

"Kyouko, listen to me please." He begged.

"Don't touch me!" I said slapping his face and shoving him off. He stumbled back releasing me and I fell to the floor wiping at my tears. "Don't ever fucking touch me again."

"Kyouko…" he cried sinking to his knees before me. "Kyouko please listen."

"I don't want to hear it." I said picking myself up and walking out on him.

I'd called Shoutaro and asked him to pick me up. Maybe for a moment I forgot who I was. Or maybe I called him because I had nowhere left to run. The ryokan had never really been my home but everywhere else had been taken from me. We were scheduled to go there in a couple of days anyway, for the one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the ryokan. I was simply choosing to go early and without Kuon.

Quickly packing some clothes, I wiped at my tears. Shoutaro continuously sent me messages demanding that I hurry up. Kuon stood in the doorway repeating his warm pretty lies that sounded like honey dripping from his lips. But those lips were poisoned.

"I was drunk. I don't remember anything. The whole night is a blank. It won't ever happen again. I'll never have another drop of alcohol, I swear." How could I believe any word out of his mouth ever again?

I hoisted my suitcase up and walked over to the door. We didn't make eye contact or say anything. We just stood there in silence listening to my phone go off with numerous texts.

"Do you still want me to come?" I could hear the tears in his voice, but I was the one who should have been crying.

"Yayoi-san will expect you there." I answered robotically. "We'll have to keep pretending until we decide what to tell the public."

"Pretending…" his hand lifted but stopped short of touching my face. "I still love you."

In my mind I saw his hands touching her. Had he cupped her face and kissed her sweetly? Did he whisper to her how beautiful she was? Had he knelt between her legs and run his tongue over her like a man dying of thirst? I thought those things belonged to me alone.

"I have nothing left Kuon. I have no one left." I wanted to accuse him of taking it all away from me, but the words stuck in my throat.

"I'm still right here."

"You?" I shove him and he lets himself fall backwards onto the floor. "I don't want to know you anymore."

I couldn't look at his face. I didn't think that I could handle seeing the pain my words had inflicted. If I had looked at him, I might have wrapped my arms around him and forgiven him then and there.

I should have looked at him.

"Was she worth it?" I asked not knowing what I expected him to say.

"I don't any of it."

I took my suitcase to the door and opened it to pack a light jacket. It wasn't cold out, but I wanted a reason to stay in our apartment for a moment longer. I wanted to change my mind and turn around. I wanted to run into his arms and forgive him.

I walked out and down to where Shoutaro was sitting in his car. He honked his horn at me and yelled at me to hurry and put my suitcase in the back. I did as he said without comment and got in the back.

"Why are you sitting back there? Come up front." He barked at me, but I just looked down. "Kyouko?" If I could have felt anything in that moment, I would have been shocked that he sounded concerned.

"Can we just go Shou? Please." He turned back around and started the car.

"Seatbelt." He said and I obeyed numbly.

"What did Tsuruga finally get sick of you?" Shoutaro asked finally breaking the silence when we arrived at his parent's ryokan.

"I don't really want to talk about him right now." I said taking my luggage and myself to the entrance.

"Kyouko-chan!" Yayoi-san greeted me with open arms, and I hugged her back wanting to feel the comfort of a mother. I felt nothing though. She had never been my mother, just the woman who wanted me to marry her son. Not because she loved me but because she had raised me to obey him and herself.

The familiar scent of frying fish and freshly pulled noodles filled me with remorse. I wanted to be back at the Darumaya in Okami-san's arms. I wanted the woman I had come to think of as my mom. She would have held me as I cried without asking too many questions. I wanted the Taisho-san to ask if I wanted him to hit Kuon. I wanted Kuu and Julie to come get me but the Fuwa family was all I had left at that point.

"Son." Shou's father greeted him coolly before turning to me with a gentle smile. Neither of his parents could ever tell when I was hurting. I liked to believe that I was good at hiding it but maybe they just never care enough to notice.

"Come in and eat. Kyouko-chan I want to hear all about what you and Hizuri-san have been up to. Why didn't he come with you? I'm certain I addressed the invite to both of you." Yayoi-san tried to pull me over to her family room but Shou stopped her.

"Mother we're here to set up for your party not so you can bombard Kyouko with questions. Tsuruga will be here in a couple days for you to harass." He wrapped my hand in his and pulled me to the large guest dining area.

"Here." Still holding my hand he brought me over to a table with decorations. "Help me hang the banner."

He released my hand and rushed over to grab a step ladder for me. It irked me a little that he was being so nice. As though he knew what was bothering me and didn't want to make me feel worse.

"Help me hang the banner." I mocked. "You mean hang the banner while you go take a nap, right?" I sneered at him and snatched the ladder from him. "Fine since we don't have time to fight, I'll do it." I didn't have the energy to fight with him but the irritation his presence naturally invoked in me felt better than the lonely numbness.

"Did he cheat on you or something?" Shou asked calmly.

"Please don't ask stupid questions." I said shoving away the numb feeling that threatened to freeze me to my core. I handed him one end of the banner. "Hurry and take that to the other side."

Shou did as requested and helped me hang the banner over the door. They had workers for this kind of thing, but Yayoi would have been proud to see him helping out for once. I was a little proud myself that for once in our lives he was helping me.

"Kyouko?" He came back over to me once we were done.

"Move." I tried to push him back as he got uncomfortably close. He didn't budge. "We have more decorations to hang and I told you already, we don't have time to fight."

"I don't wanna fight." He said it softly and I'm ashamed to admit that my heart skipped when his hand cupped my face. "Tsuruga didn't really cheat on you, did he?"

"Stop calling him that." I avoided the question.

"He's a fool if he did." He said kissing my temple. I stood there shocked and confused.

"What are you doing?" I asked feeling his breath on my lips. My hands pushed on his chest.

"He cheated on you, didn't he? I told you he would. Now hopefully we can get back to us." His words froze me in place. His mouth covered mine in a surprisingly gentle kiss. It was almost as if he had studied the way Kuon used to kiss me before I failed to give him a baby. If not for Kuon I could have gotten lost in a kiss like that.

My foot connected with his shin and I shoved him away. Just because Kuon cheated first didn't mean I suddenly wanted to be that kind of wife. I know I said I didn't want to know him anymore, but I did still love him. I still believed in magic then. Shoutaro mumbled some apologies but I didn't listen. I stormed out of the dining room to lock myself in the bathroom and brushed my teeth with the toothbrush I had left behind years ago. It was probably covered in germs, but I reasoned that Shoutaro's mouth was worse.

**A/N: This story has taken so much out of me and made me cry to damn much. It's almost over though. Maybe then I'll be able to sleep again. **


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Honestly, I didn't want to post this chapter. It was the first one I wrote because it was what the nightmare centered around. I cut out all the graphic details of the dream leaving only the bare bones of what happened. When I say I love Kyouko I really mean it. This nightmare was like watching my best friend or little sister going through this but I couldn't help her and this part was the most difficult to witness. **

**If you're in crisis, there are options available to help you cope. You can also call the Lifeline at any time to speak to someone and get support. For confidential support available 24/7 for everyone in the United States, call 1-800-273-8255.**

**Call 800. (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area. **

**I only know the US hotlines but please be safe and seek help if needed. **

**Kyouko: Future with flashbacks**

Little Ren is not my real baby. My baby died and I was left with the spawn of my worst enemy.  
Just looking at her makes my skin crawl remembering that night I let that man kiss me. I scratch at my neck recalling the feel of his breath and the way his tongue stroked over my skin. _He_ was everything Kuon wasn't. _He_ lacked patience and self-control. Only _his_ comfort mattered; Only what _he_ wanted was important. I can't remember if I said 'no' or if I just thought it. My hands had pushed against _his_ chest after the initial kiss, when I came to my senses. But I can't remember if I ever said I wanted to stop. If I had said it, _he_ would have stopped. I need to believe that.

I text Kuon begging him to come home. Little Ren squirms in the crib and starts making small mewls. I think it might be time to feed her soon, my breasts ache at her tiny cries. Kuon had promised that he would be back with food in ten minutes. I didn't want to be left alone with that creature in my baby's bed.

"Shut up." I whisper irritated. _He_ told me to shut up when I started to cry. Or was it, '_be quiet or you'll wake mom and dad?'_ I stand up and walk out of the room. Ren begins to cry louder as I start making noise in the kitchen.

I pull out drawers and throw open the cabinets just for something to do. I need a distraction from the noise.

"Shut up!" I scream and close my eyes slipping down the kitchen counter to the floor.

_I had managed to avoid my husband for the entire party, but I kept him in my view. He was ever the charmer as he mingled with the Fuwa family and all Shoutaro's extended family. They all regretted that he wasn't their son. They all expressed remorse that I hadn't married into their family to become the proprietress of the ryokan. Everyone always loved Kuon including me. I watched him the entire night occasionally locking gazes with him before turning away. I wanted to go to him whenever I saw the pain in his eyes. I wanted to forgive him. _

_"Kyouko, did Kuon really cheat on you?" Shoutaro had asked walking over to me with two drinks in his hands. _

_"Stop asking stupid questions." I seethed taking a glass and taking the drink down in one gulp. _

_"Woah slow down." Shou said sipping on his drink. In that moment I felt as if my annoying brother were scolding me and I smiled. He smiled back and asked, "Are you going to stay with him?" _

_I thought for a moment thinking of the way Kanae had looked next to my husband. He had always been mine and I wasn't about to let go of him. I said I didn't want to know him anymore but that wasn't true, I wanted him to walk over to me. I wanted him to love me forever. And yet he was the reason I no longer had a best friend. _

_"I hate him." I said tears stinging my eyes. _

_I intended to keep him forever and make his life a living hell. I would be his in name, but he would never have my heart again. Eventually my body would succumb to desire and he would think that he was forgiven but I would make sure he knew that he would never be forgiven. Filled with vindictive rage I watched Kuon leave the party without a word. He would be mine forever and he would regret what he had done. _

_"You know I really regret not realizing how much you meant to me back then." Shou said as we were cleaning up. The party was over, and his parents had gone to be leaving us alone again. "You want another drink?" He asked bringing me a flute of wine. _

_I smiled falling for his charm for a moment and taking the drink despite already feeling dizzy from drinking so much during the party. Shoutaro couldn't have known how tipsy I was. If he had he wouldn't have leaned in and kissed my cheek. _

_"I miss you Kyouko. I love you. I've always loved you." He breathed into my ear and I confess that somewhere deep inside the twelve-year-old me was jumping for joy._

_The twenty-four-year-old me laughed at what I thought was a joke. Shou was just being an asshole like always. We cleaned up and sipped on champagne as Shou reminisced about our childhood. Maybe it was the wine or maybe I just wanted to punish Kuon. Whatever the reason, somehow, we ended up in his bedroom. _

_It was just a kiss. A light peck on the lips that made my skin crawl and my stomach churn. _

_I started crying as I thought about Kuon and I pushed Shou away. He didn't stop. Kuon would have stopped if he saw tears. Kuon would have stopped when I pushed him away. I tried to walk away from him, but he grabbed my wrist and threw me down on his bed. I felt so weak; so tired but I must have screamed or made some noise because Shou was upset with me. _

_"Be quiet or you'll wake mom and dad." He commanded with annoyance. I stared up at him confused. _

_His parents were down the hall. If I had screamed, they would have come running. My mouth refused to open as he kissed down my chest. I tried to push his face away again. At least I thought about pushing his face away, but maybe my hands wouldn't move. I could envision myself shoving him off me and running out the door. If only my body didn't feel so heavy._

_"Shou, wait a minute." My mouth felt like rubber as I slurred the words or maybe I only thought the words. I can't remember. _

_I kept thinking that if he knew I didn't want to that he would stop. My friend wouldn't hurt me, not Shou. He had been a lot of things through the years, but he wouldn't r… He didn't stop. I begged my body to obey me. I was shoved and held down on my stomach. I cried into the pillow when he entered me. It hurt so much I couldn't breathe. He used me for what felt like an eternity before collapsing beside me and kissing my temple. I couldn't move. I wasn't entirely certain what had happened. I just laid there until morning when he woke up refreshed and happy. He never noticed the tear stains on my face or his pillow, or maybe he just didn't care. He had always been selfish, and the years had only made him more so._

_His lips were on me again and I didn't fight him when he used me a second time. _

_When Shou left me to go visit with his parents I laid there for a while staring vacantly at the ceiling. It was the same ceiling I had looked up at so many times in childhood but nothing about this room felt like home. The walls felt suffocating and the smell made my stomach lurch. I got up on wobbly legs and vomited on his floor. It hurt to move but I had to get out. I sneaked passed the family who had raised me and ran out of the Ryokan. My legs carried me to the only place I thought I might feel safe, but all the magic was long gone. There was no fairy prince to save me from my childhood prison. No one was coming to find me. I walked over to the river and wished to be six again. I could ask Corn to take me home to the fairy kingdom with him. The tears streamed down my face as I walked in the water and plunged my head under. I don't know what I was thinking. All I knew was that my body hurt, and I felt so alone. _

_And the magic was all gone. _

Little Ren is screaming, and I am crying because I can't help her. Kuon will hate me when he comes home to her wails. He'll call me a terrible mother and label me worse than even my own mother. I can't get up though. The thought of that thing existing makes me want to die. I hear the front door slam open and my heart stops.

"Kyouko!" Kuon screams as he walks in and runs to little Ren. "God dammit, Kyouko!"

He walks right passed me and goes to the fridge for the breast milk we keep stored in there. His green eyes glare at me the entire time it takes him to warm up the milk and pour it into the bottle. Then he leaves me alone to cry so he can presumably feed the living reminder of that night. I cry harder, hating myself for being unable to even warm up milk.

I don't know how long I stay on the floor feeling useless but eventually Kuon comes back in the kitchen for me. He isn't gentle but he isn't rough; his touch has become almost medical. I am his obligation. He lifts me onto the counter and pulls my hands away from my thighs. It surprises me to see blood under my nails. Fresh scratches line the flesh of my thighs.

"I'm sorry." I say disappointed in myself. It would make more sense for him to leave me in the hospital. Any sensible person would have given up on me by now.

Kuon lifts my chin and places a chaste kiss on my lips, then my nose, and then my forehead. He goes to a cupboard and pulls out a first aid kit. I wince as he cleans the scratches. Kuon had found me before I could drown myself in the river. He'd gone to our spot to think and he found his wife trying to kill myself where we used to play as kids. Kuon always comes to find me in the end.

"I'm sorry Kuon." I say again.

"I know love, I know." He says looking at me with dull tired eyes.

"I'm so sorry." I cry and he shushes me cradling my head to his chest.


	12. Chapter 12

**Kuon: Past**

Not a day goes by when I don't think of what could have happened had I not been there that morning. I didn't want to go to my hotel room and be alone after the party. I wanted to be near Kyouko. I wanted to wash away all my guilt and my shame. So, I went to the place where we played as children and stayed up all night wishing she was there. She was the one who believed in magic but that night I had been praying for whatever power brought us together in the first place to bring her back to me. I thought all the magic must have gone from the world until dawn came and she walked out of the trees. I hid behind a tree afraid that she would run if she saw me.

She looked wrong. My heartbeat skipped in fear. My pulse sped up as I watched her walked straight into the water and her hand was holding her head down. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and I couldn't let it continue to happen. She screamed when I grabbed her. Her hands punched at me and her legs kicked. Her screams broke my heart more than her blows could ever hurt me.

She was screaming at me to stop. _Please stop._ Over and over. I held her tight letting her hit me and whispering to her that I was sorry. Eventually she calmed down and sobbed in my arms.

"Kuon, it hurts." She said curling against me and closing her eyes.

"I know baby. I'm so sorry but please punish me in another way. Hurt me not yourself." I begged rubbing her back.

Kyouko came home after I pulled her out of the water. I couldn't believe that she had tried to drown herself. It was all my fault. I had cheated on her with her best friend. I drove her to Fuwa, and he did what he does best. The selfish arrogant fool took what he wanted without any concern for anyone else.

I didn't know that at first though. When she came home, she said nothing about that night. At first, she refused to eat, and she would pace around her room instead of sleeping. I didn't sleep either. I was too afraid she would hurt herself if I took my eyes off her. She refused to talk to me, and I couldn't think of anything to say other than how sorry I was. The days past us by and eventually I coaxed her into eating. Toast at first and water. Soon she was ordering her own room service and permitting me to sit with her as she ate.

It took some time but eventually we found a sort of peace. She would curl up beside me in bed after she thought I was asleep. She would accompany me to work and cling to my side. Maybe I was the arrogant selfish fool for not noticing how much pain she was in during that time. I used to think that no matter what I would always choose Kyouko. That I would give her anything and do whatever it took to make her happy. There was nothing she could do that would make me stop loving her.

Then I walked in on her in the bathroom. Her eyes were fixed on a tiny plastic applicator.

"Whose baby is it?" I screamed not caring how small and breakable she looked. "Who the fuck did you fuck, Kyouko? Cause it sure as hell wasn't me. I've been denied the smallest of touches from you while you've apparently been spreading your legs for god knows how many men! Or was it just Fuwa?"

Kyouko was on the floor crying but I wasn't done yelling. I didn't care if it made me a hypocrite or if I sounded like a misogynistic pig. She was mine and she had let someone else touch her. Some other man had heard her cry of ecstasy. Another man had been inside of her and left his child growing in her womb.

"Who the fuck was it!" My fist smashed into the wall. I wasn't hitting her, in my mind I was hitting Fuwa.

Looking down at her crying on the floor with drywall in her hair I felt ashamed. Everything in me told me to swoop down and be her fairy prince. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her that it would all be ok. I wanted to make it ok for both of us. I turned and walked away from her. Ignoring the throbbing pain in my hand and her pleas for me to come back. I went to my room and got dressed. She was by the door by the time I was putting on my shoes.

"Where are you going?" She asked sounding like a shadow of the girl I loved.

"What do you care?" I said looming over her.

"You're my husband and you're leaving in the middle of the night. We need to talk about this." She said and she was probably right. I should have talked to her about it. She needed me in that moment, but I couldn't be bothered to see the whole picture. She was shaking and crying but my mind was too filled with rage to care. I looked at her but all I could see was Fuwa and his smug grin.

"I'm your husband? That's funny I thought I was the man you refused to let touch you. Why don't you go find Fuwa and tell him he's going to be a father?" I seethed. All I saw was her betrayal and my pride wouldn't let me see the truth. "Maybe I'll call Kotonami-san. I'd like to get an answer to your question, maybe she was worth it, and I just can't remember."

"Why don't you just go to a local high school and find your next wife?" She screamed back and for a moment I saw a glimpse of my Kyouko. There was still some fight in her.

I moved towards her and she flinched back. Frightened eyes reflected my angry face back at me and I was disgusted with myself.

"Whatever Kyouko, I'm done. Go find Fuwa and see how fast he runs from the responsibility of a baby."

I walked out with her calling my name. I was too stupid to hear the pain in her voice. My baby had been taken from me and my wife had distanced herself from me. Selfishly I thought it was a cruel twist of fate that life had delivered me my wife back to me carrying another man's baby.

I didn't go to see Kotonami-san. That was a mistake I never wanted to make again. I had no intention of finding a new wife anywhere let alone at a high school. There was only one woman I wanted to talk to and lucky for me she was in the area under the guise of work though I knew she was really in Japan to bother Kyouko and me.

"Thanks for coming out so late." I said when my mother sat in the chair across from me.

"Of course, Kuon, you're my son. Where is my beautiful daughter-in-law?" I tried to smile at her, but her mention of my wife made me clench my fists. "Is she alright?"

I placed a hand over hers to settle her nerves. "Kyouko…" I started to say she had slept with Fuwa, but I didn't know if that was true. My mouth struggled to form the words, '_she cheated.' 'she lied.' _I bit my tongue. My mother loved Kyouko and I couldn't bear the thought of that love turning to hate.

"Kuon what is it? You're scaring me. Is she alright? Take me to her." I squeezed the hand beneath mine wishing my mother was normal. All my life I had been calming her nerves, but I needed someone to take care of me for once.

"She's pregnant." I finally said. There was no way I could tell Julie the truth and have her demand I divorce Kyouko. Who else did Kyouko have left to run to? I vowed then and there that I would not abandon her.

"Kuon that's great! Why would you scare me like that? I thought something had happened to her. Ooh it's so exciting. I'll help out of course and this time nothing bad will happen." She paused to look at me. "Is that why you're so glum? Kuon you can't live your life afraid of all the bad possibilities. I promise that your father and I will be here to look after her this time. If she's not with you she'll be with us. Oh, my dearest girl will need a whole new wardrobe. I know she'll be absolutely glowing with her nice round belly again."

Julie spent the better part of an hour praising me for a job well done. I acted like a happy husband and soon to be father. I acted like my heart wasn't broken. I was acting and my own mother hadn't even noticed.

I trudged back into our apartment hoping Kyouko would have left but also wishing she would forgive me for storming out. She wasn't by the door waiting to welcome me home. Those happy days of greeting one another at the door were long gone. But her shoes were still there. That both eased my heart and wreaked havoc on my nerves. Julie had sent me off with a bouquet of roses and a teddy bear with instructions to apologize for leaving. I tossed both in the trash and waited for her to come out so we could continue our fight. There were so many harsh words I had left to say. Too many cruel questions swimming in my head for me to ask for forgiveness or to forgive her.

Kyouko never came out. The seconds ticked by increasing my anxiety. I kept seeing her plunging her own head beneath the water. I could hear her begging someone to stop. _Please stop_. My heart stopped as I finally connected the dots and I ran to the bathroom. There she was; my beautiful princess scrubbing her skin raw. Steam was rising from the tub, but she didn't appear to feel the heat.

"Kyouko!" I rushed over to take her hands in mine. Despite the scalding water she was freezing. She shivered and cried out trying to pull away from me. "Kyouko it's me. Oh, my sweet girl."

"Stop! Please stop!" Over and over at the top of her lungs. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Shh." I pulled her in close keeping her hands from causing herself further injury and I whispered in her ear. My words were mostly nonsense meant to soothe my own nerves as I waited for her to tire herself out.

"Kuon I want him out of me. Please can we just cut him out." Were her last drowsy words before she closed her eyes and settled herself in my arms.

"I'll make you an appointment in the morning." I said kissing her head. There was a strange calm that settled over us as we decided to terminate the pregnancy.

I cleaned her up and dried her off. After pulling her pajamas on her I lead her to our bed where we laid for what felt like hours until her eyes drifted closed. She didn't wake again for another day and a half. I watched over her anxiously as she lay still in bed. When her eyes opened, she greeted me with confusion. I offered to set up an appointment again, but she scrunched her face as if to ask what I meant. I still don't quite understand what was wrong with her during the pregnancy. Some days she was lucid and all the events that had led up to her being pregnant were clear in her mind. Other days she had convinced herself that the baby inside of her was still Nika. It was as though her brain had erased all the bad things from her memory.

Then little Ren was born, and she could no longer deny the truth. She had his eyes. It was Fuwa's face haunting us and everyone could see it.

**A/N: I didn't want to post this chapter but it's been done for a week and I needed to get it out sometime. I identify more closely with Kuon and it paints him in a not so pretty light. He is human though and humans very rarely see past their own egos and pride to the real picture until it's too late. I changed a couple things he did and said from what happened in my nightmare because I wanted a happier less tainted ending. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Kyouko: Present**

I pick at the plush back of the armchair I am currently curled up on. Kuon coos and fusses over little Ren as he packs her into her car seat. I want to ask where they're going but I hold my tongue. He probably won't ever trust me alone with her again. It makes me happy but also very sad. I can't be trusted to look after my own baby. What is wrong with me?

"Say goodbye to mommy." Kuon say turning her to face me.

I want to reach out and take her in my arms, but I wouldn't know what to do once I had her there. I'd probably be overcome with disgust and shove her back into his arms. I look away from her laughing eyes and chubby smiling cheeks. She makes gurgling noises and kicks so the dangling toys on her car seat jiggle.

"Bye mommy, I love you." Kuon says in a cutesy baby voice. Then with a commanding tone he addresses me. "Kyouko, say goodbye to your baby."

I look up at him waiting patiently for me to acknowledge his baby. After a moment I resume picking at the upholstery of the chair. I hear her laugh as he sighs and her toys jiggle with her happy kicks. I want to be overwhelmed with her cuteness. I want to love the sounds she makes. I want to need my baby, I do. A gentle hand touches my head and I flinch. I wish I didn't flinch away from his touch so much. He sighs and kisses my hair.

"I'll be back." He says a promise to reassure me that he isn't leaving me or maybe it's a warning for me not to do anything drastic while he's gone.

I hear them leave and I yearn to go after them. My husband and his baby are going out somewhere and I can't make myself believe that I deserve to be with them. My eyes close and I imagine being a spunky teenage girl again. Mogami Kyouko wouldn't have given up so easily. Fuwa Shoutaro couldn't beat her but then again, she never thought he was capable of such an act. How could someone I had known so well turn out to be such a complete stranger? Fuwa hadn't even been good enough to kill me afterwards. The coward just left me on that bed then he went into hiding. I wonder if his parents know what he did. If I told them, would they punish him for his crimes or shun me for daring to reject their precious heir? I wish I knew if Yayoi-san held any true affection for me, then I could say that she might at least whip her son. They could disown him from the family at the very least.

"Kyouko." Kuon startles me from my thoughts.

Confused I look up. I could have sworn he'd said goodbye but maybe that was a dream. He is standing over me his hand held out for me to take. What now? I look away from his hand to the floor around him, the baby is gone. My heart leaps to my throat. I search behind him and scan his arms. In my confusion I look down at my own arms though I know I've never really held her before.

Why is my heart beating so fast?

"Where's Ren?" My voice sounds frantic, but I can't understand why. I stand up and begin to search for her. "What did you do with her?" I scream running into the next room.

"Hey come here." Kuon catches me in his arms and pulls me close. I push him away and run to the bedroom then the bathroom searching for the child that I would have sworn I felt nothing for.

If that is true though why am I near tears as I shout at him? "Where's my baby?"

"Kyouko settle down. Little Ren is fine." Kuon says holding up his hands. "She went out with mom and dad to visit grandpa. It's ok."

"No, it isn't ok!" I shout still not comprehending what it is I'm feeling. "You can't do that!" I pause realizing that every time she had ever been out of my sight I still knew exactly where she was. She was always with him where she was safe and protected or here with me. "You can't send her off with someone else without telling me."

"I'm sorry." He beckons me to his arms. "You're right I should have told you she was going out without me this time." I hesitate but I really want to run into his arms. "I wanted to talk to you. Please baby come here."

Don't make that face. I hate that face. It's the kind of expression that I find impossible to resist. The face that makes me want to wrap him in my arms and never let go.

"Talk about what?" I ask taking a shaking step back. This must be the point where he tells me he's had enough. Why else would he look so sad? What else is there left to do besides cut me out of their life? It would be for the best to get rid of me.

"Don't do that." He says taking my head in his hands. "Kyouko, it's alright to be afraid. It's ok to love your baby." He says and my heart stop. I try to push his hands away.

"I wasn't scared." I try to lie but I was scared, I still am scared. What if Kuu and Julie get bombarded by paparazzi? What if some crazed fan sneaks up on them and takes my baby? What if Kimiko…? I shudder at the thought and pull his hands off my face.

"We can call them if you want."

"I'm not scared. What do I care if she's gone? Good riddance…" tears threaten to stream down my face and Kuon pulls me to him.

"It's alright to love her. You don't have to fight it. The fear and the pain are normal." He says petting my head. "I feel it too." His hands take hold of my face again forcing me to look at him.

My heart starts pounds painfully against my chest. I want to cry in his arms like a child. I want to be selfish and bask in his warmth. _I don't deserve to be loved._ _I failed to protect Nika and I couldn't protect my virtue from Shoutaro, and I failed to love my own baby._

"No, Kyouko, none of that is true." His words send a jolt through me. I hadn't realized I'd been speaking aloud. "Stop blaming yourself." He kisses the tears from my cheeks. "You didn't do anything wrong."

Weak. I am weak. This man makes me weak. My walls shatter and I crumble into his arms sobbing like a foolish little girl. Kuon cradles me close and lets me cry until my head aches and my throat throbs with the effort. It is the first time in years that I don't feel detached from him. Like I'm more than just his obligation. Maybe that is all in my head though. How could I still mean anything to him? I try to wipe my snot on my sleeve but only make a mess of my face. With a gentle smile, Kuon uses his handkerchief to clean my face.

"Why don't you just leave me?" I ask. Part of me wishes he'd just get it over with. He should give up on me just like everyone else. I've always been unlovable since birth. Even my own mother couldn't love me.

He tips my chin up. "How do you expect me to live without my heart?" He asks kissing my cheek. "There is no way I would survive without you." After a long pause he nudges my head with his and says, "Talk to me."

I shake my head no and look down at my hands.

"I sent little Ren away because I need this to change." He says motioning between us. "I miss you."

"You miss a person who no longer exists. You shy innocent Kyouko dyed a long time ago." I cry needing him to understand that I'm not that girl anymore.

"Shy? Innocent? Sweet little Mogami-san. I loved her but she's not who I miss." He says and I look at him scrunching my face. "She was nice but darling she was a naïve teenage girl. I miss the woman who shoved me down on the floor the morning of my twenty-third birthday and ordered me to propose to her already."

I remember that morning. I was frustrated because I had been certain that he was going to propose on my birthday, but he sang a song for me in front of everyone at the grateful party instead. It was sweet how his voice had cracked with nerves and he blushed the entire time. Still he hadn't asked me to marry him and then valentine's day came and went but he showed no sign of asking. I had spotted the ring by accident while cleaning though, so I knew he wanted to ask me.

"Kuon, just ask me to be your wife already." He says mimicking my voice. "I can't say yes if you never ask."

The urge to cry overcomes me again but I have no tears left.

"Kyouko?"

"Kyouko, please talk to me?" I try to close myself off from the pain making his voice thick.

I'm scared. I am a little girl again and my mother is shoving me away from her.

"Kyouko," his voice is soft and hesitant. I am pregnant and being chased down by a murderer. "My Kyouko." His thumb caresses the side of my face and he sighs.

I am dizzy and I can't seem to control my limbs and Shoutaro is on top of me.

"I'm scared." My baby is dying again. I failed to protect her.

"Don't be. I'm right here." He says kissing my cheek. "Besides you're the strongest person I know."

"I'm not strong at all. I failed you. I failed her."

"No. Very bad things happened to you and you survived. You didn't fail anyone. The people who did this are broken not you. They are the cowards, not you. They failed at being decent human beings." Tears fall to my cheeks, but they aren't mine. "I never would have survived half of what you've been through. I'm proud of you for surviving, but you need to start living again."

Kuon holds me like and cries for what feels like forever. He must have been holding all his emotions back for my sake. My Corn has always been the one to soothe my pain and I selfishly let him take care of my needs. I haven't been fair to Kuon. In my own way I think I've been punishing him for not being there to protect me. I'm the one who feels like a failure, but I've been treating him as though he were the problem. Placing my hand over his heart I whisper the words I have been too afraid to say for three years.

"I love you."

My lips press against his and I release a deep shuddering breath. I am seventeen again and he is calm and gentle. Tender hands cup my neck and cradle my head. He leans back and surrenders as I deepen the kiss.

I had forgotten that being close to someone like this doesn't have to hurt.

"I love you Kuon." I declare against his mouth.

"I love you Kyouko."

"Kuon," I fix him with a stern gaze. "Never send my baby off without telling me."

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." He says and damn him for using that sad puppy stare. "We can call mom and dad now if you want."

I do want to. He pulls out his phone without me saying so and calls Kuu. I stare at his face stained with tears. This is a step in the right direction, I hope. If I can just hold onto this happy feeling than maybe I can get better.

I smile when father's face shows up on the screen. He looks shocked but not at all disappointed as he holds up little Ren for us to see her. She is unharmed and happily making spit bubbles. How had I never noticed how cute she is? I want to hold her now.

"Alright see you soon." The call is ending too quickly but I've said nothing.

"Bye." I speak up suddenly and reach out wanting to touch my baby's face.

"Bye kid, I love you." Kuu says and I open my mouth to say it back but it's too much for me. He nods with a gentle smile. "Work on your relationship with Kuon first. Don't worry so much about mom and me."

"See you in a bit dad." Kuon says for both of us before they hang up. "See she's fine. She'll be home before you know it." He says to me and kisses my temple. "Tomorrow we'll go see Sasaki-sensei. I know we're not all better now, but this was good. Right?"

I hesitate for a moment but nod my head. An odd sense of calm and lightness has filled my body with hope. I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. Kuon takes my hands and our finger intertwine. I want this feeling to last forever. I want us to be better. I am in this present moment with the man I love, and I am safe.

"You never had her." A low menacing voice startles me awake.

"Kuon?" I sit up on the couch and look around for him. There's a strange gurgling sound coming from the front door. I turn on the lamp on the end table and stand to make my way towards the door.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just kill you right now, Fuwa." I freeze and all of a sudden, I am small and broken again.

**A/N: I don't know if this chapter feel sudden but that's how it happened in the nightmare. I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. Remember to listen to scientists and medical professional not social media. **


	14. Chapter 14

**Kuon: Present**

We must have drifted off to sleep. My Kyouko snuggled tight in my arms on the couch and I felt some of the weight lifted off my shoulders. She said she loves me. I lay kisses on her face and carefully place her head on a pillow. My intent was to head to the kitchen to start dinner. I haven't become particularly great at cooking, but I can make instant potatoes and fry up some meat. A knock at the door interrupts my path to the kitchen. Knock is putting it lightly, it's actually a heavy demanding pound. Rude to say the least but I refuse to let it sully my good mood.

"Hello." I answer the door cheerfully, but my voice becomes a growl as I am greeted by a sickening face.

"I'm here to collect what is rightfully mine, Tsuruga. I figured that it's been long enough she should have told you by now that I had my way with her. Kyouko your prince is here."

I don't even have time to think before my body reacts by seizing his neck and slamming him into the wall.

"Yours?" I say in a low menacing voice. "Kyouko was never yours, Fuwa. You never had her. You never held her in your arms while she shuddered and begged for more. You never kissed her willing lips. You never heard her quiet whispers in the middle of the night. You never cradled her heart in your hands and loved it like she deserved. You were never her prince. Not even when you were children."

My hand around his neck tightens. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just kill you right now, Fuwa."

I'm going to kill him. The bastard dared to show up at my front door. Actually, wants to pretend that Kyouko was a willing participant in his vile act.

Fuwa struggles to free himself from my grasp but I slam his head back. "You never had her and you never will. All you did was hurt her. Now there is nothing you can do or say to stop me from killing you."

I squeeze his neck intent on killing him. His voice rasps but I ignore him.

"What?" Kyouko asks behind me.

My grip falters and he manages to shout. "You didn't have sex with Kotonami."

"Kyouko, go back inside I'll handle this." I say oozing disgust.

Kyouko looks so fragile and afraid standing in the doorway. Her eyes are downcast refusing to look at him as she shakes.

"I want him to speak." Her voice comes out small and broken.

If he's just ruined all our months of hard work death would be too good for him. I wish we lived in a house with a very tiny filthy cellar. I could torture him for years before I killed him. Instead I have to inhale deeply and release some of my anger before turning back to the pest.

"Speak." I command loosening my hold on him but keeping him against the wall.

"It was…" He gasps and his hands try to pry my fingers off his neck. "It was all… please let go."

"Speak or I'll kill you where you stand."

"You wouldn't…" Fuwa gasps his eyes flickering to Kyouko. I move to block his view of her.

"Why don't you ask Reino what my husband is capable of Fuwa." Kyouko says and though it's still quivering there is a strength to her voice I haven't heard in so long. I feel Fuwa gulp and I can't help the smirk that lifts the corner of my lips. "Kuon gave you an order Fuwa. Speak. Now. You owe us that much. You owe me." That voice sends shivers down my spine. I drop Fuwa and go to her.

"Tell us Shoutaro." She says standing in front of me now as I lean against the wall. She knows I'm here if she needs me but facing him is something, she needs to do for herself. "What did you do?"

"It wasn't me. It was all Morizumi." Fuwa says taking a step forward.

She trembles just a little and her hand reaches back for mine. "Kimiko wasn't at the party where you got me drunk and raped me. You did that all by yourself. We were raised together in that house. I was your sister and you…" her breath hitches and her hand squeezes mine.

I place my other hand on her shoulder and kiss her head my eyes never leaving him. He reads the warning in my gaze and backs away.

"I did." Fuwa has the tact to show some remorse but Kyouko isn't fooled.

"Don't pretend to feel bad now Fuwa. You did what you did, and you enjoyed doing it. You were proud of yourself thinking you had stolen something from Tsuruga Ren. You always were obsessed with obtaining whatever he had. You were pathetic back then and you're even more pathetic now." I have to hold her in place as her fist clenches. I place another soothing kiss to her temple. "Talk Fuwa."

"Morizumi, came to me and Reino too. We didn't even know about each other until that night. It was only supposed to be a prank though. She said she just wanted to scare you a little as a joke. Believe me Kyouko," she flinches when he uses her name, "I didn't know she was going to hurt anybody. I never wanted the old man to get hurt. I didn't want her to attack the Okami-san and…"

"And killing my baby. Was that not part of your sick joke either?"

"No! No, that wasn't me. I never wanted to hurt you. I was only supposed to distract the Okami-san and Taisho-san so Morizumi could sneak in and scare you. I didn't know she was going to spike your drink. Reino didn't even know until you started to get sick. He saw you and came out to say to me that something felt wrong. I didn't believe him and I'm sorry for that. He tried to stop her and I'm ashamed to say that I held him off. I don't know what I was thinking except that it was supposed to be a prank and it was all going terribly wrong. I didn't stop her, and she hurt you. Reino yelled for you to run but I just stood there until I saw you run out the door. Kyouko I'm so sorry. I love you. Please believe I never would have done it if not for her…ah!"

Kyouko palm connects with his nose and I hear a satisfying crack.

"You better not get any blood on my carpet Fuwa." I say pulling Kyouko back to me to wipe her hand and assess her emotional state. "You ok?"

"Yeah ask her if she's ok. Bitch broke my fucking nose." Fuwa gripes holding his nose.

"You'll live." I say dryly and kiss Kyouko's cheek. "For now. Keep talking or you'll get worse. Just stick to the facts."

"Fuck you Tsuruga. If you hadn't stolen her from me, I'd have never agreed to help Kimiko with her prank." He flinches away seeing Kyouko clench her fist. "Kimiko brought the drugs! She did it all. Like I said I was just there to distract the Taisho and Okami-san. I showed up for my order and Kimiko and her cousin sneaked in. I didn't know the bitch was batshit. I swear we were only supposed to scare you."

"So, all that with visiting me afterwards was it guilt or were you covering your tracks. Pretending to be concerned when you were partly responsible the whole time. You're sick." Kyouko says clutching my shirt. "Then what? You decided I wasn't in enough pain, so you went after my husband and best friend?" She asks face carefully emotionless.

"No. No, I was done. I truly was sorry, and I was falling in love with you." A disgusted noise escapes both Kyouko and me. "I did! I fell in love with you again because of all the time we were spending together while he was off working and doing god knows what. How can you be so sure he wasn't cheating? You think he's so perfect and good. No matter what I said you would always roll your eyes and say how great your stupid husband was. How sensitive and kind and understanding. I wanted to catch him in the act, so I went to his set a few times."

"And what Morizumi made you do it again? It was all Kimiko and Shou-chan was just an innocent scamp who thought it was a game." She mocks and her nails bite into my flesh.

"Kimiko said that if I didn't help her, she would tell everyone I was involved in the attack. I bumped into her one of the times she was on set visiting her uncle. She said she just needed the key to your place. I thought it would be fine because I would be there to protect you if she ever showed up and I didn't want you to find out. We were finally friends again and I couldn't lose that. It didn't matter though because she never showed up. She never used the copy of your key we made. She gave it back to me the night of the party. I was supposed to wait for her and take her home that night. Instead she called me into the party to help me carry your husband out and get him home."

"Just Kuon?" Kyouko asks puzzled.

"Just him. I waited with my driver and we took him home. By the time we got there though Kimiko and her cousin were already waiting with Kotonami. I could tell she was plastered and Kuon couldn't even walk on his own. Kimiko was giggling the entire time it took us to haul them both into the apartment. We put him in his bed than she told me to leave, but I didn't. I went to stand by your door and wait for her to leave."

"Bravo Fuwa, I guess your limit is murder. Rape is fine but don't kill the person whose life you're actively ruining!" Kyouko yells.

Fuwa takes a deep breath and continues. "I heard Kimiko…" he glances at me and releases an uneasy breath. "She and her cousin took turns with you and Kotonami. I guess it was a mercy that you were drugged and probably remember none of it."

"You stopped none of it." I say pulling Kyouko closer. "Then what? You decided that Morizumi had her fun so you could too?" I don't know what I'm feeling. Protective of Kyouko for one but also a deep sickness. My stomach churns as I think of that slime Kimiko touching me. I thought that I'd be happy to learn that nothing happened with Kotonami-san, but I almost wish it had been her.

"I was angry. Even after she caught you two, she was going to stay with you. I could see in her eyes how much she still loved you. I couldn't stand it! You were still this perfect god to her, and I was nothing. So yeah, I spiked her drink. I took what I wanted for once. I had her first Tsuruga, it was only fair that I got to fuck her at least once." It takes all I have not to kill him where he stands. "And she liked it. Don't let her fool you with her innocent act."

"Can I kill him now?" I ask Kyouko done with hearing his voice.

She hesitates for a moment before shaking her head. "I need you not to go to prison. Ren needs you." She says before turning to him and looking at him for the first time. "Why are you here Fuwa? You couldn't have actually believed that this would end well for you."

He gulps loudly flinching away from her gaze. "I missed you."

She gives him disgusted groan. "Fine, you love me. Prove it." At her words he moves forward but she puts her hands up. "Touch me and die." She says and his eyes flash to me. Her hand squeezes mine. "You owe me a life."

"What!" He asks appalled.

"I want Kimiko's life." She supplies then adds. "And yours. You owe me at least that much. Take her life and turn yourself in for her murder and the attempted murder of Reino."

"No!" Fuwa shouts backing away from us. "Are you crazy? What kind of stupid demand is that?"

"You're the one who came here looking for love and I'm guessing forgiveness. You'll get neither from me. If you do as I say however, I won't tell Yayoi-san what a despicable inhuman creature you've become." She says standing tall and strong, but I can feel her fingers tremble they're the only part of her that do. "You owe me. You owe Kyouko-chan. That little girl who loved you more than anything in the world. You owe her for what you chose to do."

"Kyouko…"

"No!" Her voice is low and filled with hate. "Hizuri-san. You don't know me and I sure as hell never knew you." She takes a step towards him but doesn't let go of my hand. "I don't care how you do it, but you will kill her. Then you will convince everyone that you and her attacked Reino. You'll do something for someone else for once in your miserable life. Yashiro-san will be free, and I'll never have to see you again."

"Say yes, Fuwa." I command after he is silent too long. "The only way you leave alive is by agreeing to her demands." Face like stone he nods. "Good boy. You have a week before I track you down and make you disappear forever."

He stiffly turns to leave but Kyouko calls out to him. There is a spark of hope on his dumb face as he turns back to us. It vanishes the instant her foot connects with his groin. Her goes down and she stomps on his groin a couple times before I pull her away.

"If he's dead he can't kill Kimiko. And then you know I will. Come on." I say pulling her into our home. "A week, Fuwa." I say before slamming the door.

Kyouko collapses into my arms the second we are alone again, and I hold her close as she cries again.


End file.
